FUN BUNCH PULL OUT A WIN IN THE FINAL INNING
Tempers flare as Bass Line Station contest innocent play
OTTAWA - After steve "field marshal" saunders read his team the riot act for their poor punctuality, the fun bunch did an abrupt about-face and fielded a full team by 6 PM - completely warmed up and ready-to-go by 6:15. "Look, when you've been on this team as long as I have, you quickly learn you don't want to mess with the 'field marshal' ", john "father time" devries uttered nervously. Unfortunately, Bass Line Station did not apply the same vigorous discipline to their sad sack team of n'er do wells, who forced the fun bunch to wait until 6:30 until they had enough players to start, despite the fun bunch's anguished protests. "How do you like a taste of your own medicine?", and "it takes one to know one", were the snarky comments hurtled towards the fun bunch dugout by Bass Line Station in response. The game was played under ideal playing conditions, sunny and 30 degrees, no humidity with a slight breeze - "absolutely perfect", remarked new recruit Taylor "the terror" Albert who debuted at third base. The Fun Bunch took to bat first--being the visiting team --and they quickly loaded the bases for--you guessed it--steve "downtown" saunders. With age catching up to "downtown" he approached home plate while favouring his right arm--a nasty hyperextension during hockey playoffs having left him with intense pain in his elbow and wrist. Standing in the batter's box he surveyed the landscape and saw the wide-eyed, hopeful looks of his teammates--like helpless puppies-- and knew what he must do. Wincing in pain, he swung the bat into the ready position and instructed his little brother to "toss it in like a beach ball". One mighty swing later and the ball disappeared into a speck on the horizon as it cleared both fences and rolled all the way to home plate on the far diamond. The Fun Bunch were up 5-0 after one inning. Not to be outdone, gritty Bass Line Station (last season's A tournament champions) clawed and scratched their way to a five run inning of their own to tie the game. Scoreless second and third innings by the fun bunch allowed Bass Line Station to take a 7-5 lead. It was in the second inning on a hit down the 3rd base line by Kathie "daredevil" Adare, that Bass Line Station showed their true colors. The ball sailed over third base landing pretty much on the line before rolling foul. Richard "wild thing" Bujold signalled the ball fair and the runner was safe. The overly competitive left fielder for Bass Line Station however began vehemently disagreeing with the call. After much on field theatrics including throwing his glove, and kicking up plumes of dust, the captain told him to pipe down but he was not to be consoled and continued on in this manner for the remainder of the game, muttering under his breath every time he passed the fun bunch on the field. In the fourth inning with the fun bunch down 7-5 and John "hans solo" devries aboard, the "field marshal" strode to the plate. Looking "hans solo" straight in the eye, he gave him a playful wink before once again calmly advising his little brother to "toss it in like a beach ball" before it disappeared into the stratosphere - game tied 7 all. Not to be outdone, Bass Line Station answered the call and scored three of their own in the bottom of the inning to pull ahead once again 10-7. By this time, the fun bunch women were getting a little exhausted as only three showed up for the game. Rowena "scoresheet" Sams, Kathie "daredevil" Adare and Taylor "the terror" Albert were coming to bat with such frequency that they barely had time for a sip of water. Co-captain Alison "bulldozer" Hale--once again displaying questionable leadership qualities--eschewed the game for a show at the bijou to leave her teammates twisting in the wind. But I digress. Due to the late start it was clear that the game would not make nine innings and it was agreed that the game would instead end after seven. At the top of the sixth inning, the score was 10 - 8 for Bass Line Station with the fun bunch managing to hang in there with a very determined effort. The sixth inning saw the fun bunch score four runs by "scoresheet", "daredevil", "the terror" and "hans solo" to take the lead 12-10. Sadly, Bass Line Station was not about to roll over and play dead as they scored five runs of their own including their first two home runs to move back into the lead 15-12. Top of the seventh and mercifully the last inning. Hits by "the terror", "wild thing" and "hans solo" loaded the bases. At this point, Bass Line Station glanced nervously around to see who was coming to bat. Their worst fears realized, steve "downtown" saundered saunters into the batter's box. His little brother Scott "boom boom" Saunders foolishly advised "downtown" to "hit a solid single". Barely able to stifle a guffaw, "downtown" burst into laughter at his brother's audacity. "Now listen here 'boom-boom'. I'm going to let that insubordination slide seeing as your my brother and all. So just hush yourself up and toss me one in here like a beach ball". Quickly realizing the foolishness of his suggestion, he lowered his head--ashamed--and tossed the ball in as instructed. Jerking his head back in whiplash-like fashion "boom boom" followed the sub-orbital flight of the ball as it once again sailed out of the ball park as the fun bunch took the lead 17-15. With half an inning to go, the fun bunch dropped the hammer and shut-out Bass Line Station to record their first victory of the season.
FUNBUNCH WIN A THRILLER IN BOTTOM OF THE NINTH
Game goes down to the wire in back and forth slugfest
OTTAWA - With captain steve "field marshal" saunders' hand firmly on the tiller, he craftily guided the good ship "fun bunch" past the rocky shoals of the rebels for their second victory in a row. With the team playing from behind for most of the game, he had his work cut out for him as he coached, pitched, hit, admonished and generally led by example forcing the team to play to their full potential and beat the talented but undisciplined rebels. With eight women in the lineup the fun bunch set a new record for attendance with new recruits clamoring to get a chance to play for the red-hot fun bunch. The mood turned sullen when co-captain Alison "bulldozer" Hale sauntered into the dugout late. "field marshal" knew he had to set an example for the benefit of the team as he tore a strip off the startled player. "Last week you let your teammates twist in the wind, while you ate popcorn at the double-featured", he screamed at the top of his lungs, spittle flying hither and yon, as he reached forward and tore the "C" off her jersey. "you are hereby suspended from the team for insubordination. Now pack up your things and leave. Take this time to reflect on your behaviour and I want to see you here next week , on-time and ready to go. You will have to earn this "C" back one game at a time". "Bulldozer" opened her mouth to object but nothing came out. The diamond went eerily quiet. Crickets could be heard chirping in the bulrushes. She quietly closed her mouth. She knew she was wrong and he was right. Taking the high road, she packed up her bag and decided she would earn back the respect that had been eroded by her actions -- starting next week. The fun bunch started the game energized after their captain's brazen display of brinkmanship. Unfortunately the team struggled defensively early and often in the first inning with some atrocious fielding capped off by steve "field marshal" saunders charging a weak bunt. Handcuffed by the ball as it rolled in the dirt, "field marshal" attempted to make the play with a step to go before the player was on the bag. Mustering all of his strength he drilled the ball hard towards first base. What happened next unfolded like a slow motion horror show. As the runner crossed the bag she turned sharply into the flight path of the ball. The ball was misplayed at first base and not caught. The unsuspecting base runner took the full force of the throw behind the ear and went down like a sack of hammers. Gasps could be heard across the diamond as everyone rushed in to check on the victim. With ringing in her ears and a bag of ice on her neck she was helped off the field as the game ground to a halt until the rebels decided to take her to the queensway carleton hospital to get checked out. After a thirty minute hiatus the game once again got underway. The funbunch, now a little gun shy to throw hard to first base, let the rebels score five runs with a series of defensive lapses. After two innings, though they had pulled ahead 8-7 after a five run second spearheaded by a lead-off triple by "field marshal". "man, when he runs around those bases, it's like his feet don't even touch the ground", admired new recruit andrew "the gazelle" campbell, clearly astonished at what had transpired before him. "get used to it kid ", chuckled john "Methuselah" devries, the elder statesman for the team, "just when I think I've seen it all, he proves me wrong", he continued chortling under his breath. An unimpressive three-up three-down thirds allowed the rebels to take an 11-8 lead into the middle of the fourth inning. In a heart-warming display of tender affection, kathy "daredevil" adare got aboard in the fourth inning with two outs. As her husband, clark "pound em' back" lawlor approached the plate, "daredevil" blew him a kiss and cheerily encouraged him to "hit me home dear". With tears welling up in his eyes, he choked back his emotions as steve "downtown" saunders served him up one of his legendary beach balls. Swinging more from his heart than his hips, "pound em' back" leapt at the ball and hit it with all his might. What would have normally been a fly ball out, was buffeted by the strong wind blowing out (and perhaps the energy of their powerful love for one another) as it kept moving farther and farther back. The fielder took a few steps back, then a few more, then he was on the warning track as the ball started to come down. Once again the wind picked up and the ball inched a little higher, just high enough to hit the top of the fence where it sat spinning for what seemed like an eternity before a final gust blew it over the fence. "daredevil" looked at "pound em' back" and her heart melted. It was like a scene right out of a hallmark card. As "pound em' back" crossed home plate he was greeting with good natured cheers and a final embrace from his sweetheart. Even the gritty "rebels" politely applauded at the heartwarming sight. Now the rebels have earned a reputation in the league as feisty competitors. From their resplendent tattoos , to their plethora of piercings they clearly look a little rough around the edges. Of course their constant guzzling of tall boys and clandestine puffs of acrid blue smoke only add to their mystique. So it quite naturally only took a couple of innings before a new spirited recruit at shortstop--emblazoned with tattoos on every available patch of skin--became livid with the fun bunch umpire. First it was a "safe" call at first. Then it was a "safe" call at home. Then it was the non-call on a runner who "clearly crossed the commit line". The infractions were frequent and incessant. Working himself into a lather, he decided he would "settle the score" all by himself as he dug himself into the batter's box. In an almost cartoonish display of ineptitude he swung, undisciplined, at the first two pitches only to pop them up backwards harmlessly. With only one pitch left, and the pressure mounting, beads of sweat broke out on his furrowed brow and his arms began visibly trembling. With the third pitch sailing in, he muttered a quick "hail mary" as he lunged for the now off-line throw. Missing contact with the ball, he corkscrewed into the ground, as he kicked up a little dust-devil with his flailing limbs before landing in a heap. "strike three - yer out", his teammate teasingly taunted him, as he lowered his head in shame, his barbed-wire tattoo abraded by the coarse sand at home plate and beginning to show rivulets of blood that stung as it mixed with the salt of his tears. The game continued in this manner with the lead leap-frogging back and forth from inning to inning. Defense was not stellar for the fun bunch with routine outs misplayed and balls dropped and cut-offs missed allowing the rebels to score unearned runs. Back from his well deserved holiday and clearly well rested, glen "the wrangler" rankin was one of the rare defensive highlights for the team with some spectacular catches including a back-pedaling over the shoulder catch to rob a sure run from the rebels. Another defensive highlight was a spectacular throw from Andrew "the gazelle" Campbell into second base for a tag play on a hard charging rebel base runner to extinguish a rally. Shortstop steve "field marshal" saunders was taking some abuse from his teammates for a couple of spectacular plays in the infield including swatting two balls down after diving for them-- plays a lesser shortstop wouldn't have attempted--to keep the ball in the infield and the runners on first. "should have had that one field marshal", richard "wild thing" bujold taunted as he giggled from his rover position. As "field marshal" shot him a look of contempt, "wild thing" quickly realized his folly and lowered his head like a scolded puppy. Heading into the top of the seventh inning the score was tied 18 all. With the game starting late, and with all the drama over the hit base runner it was getting late. After a quick team consultation, steve "field marshal" saunders approached the rebels and asked them if they wanted to make the seventh inning the last. "We want to play nine" was their unanimous response. Clearly with a team of twenty something's, they had far more energy than the geriatric fun bunch. "Ok team, let's teach them a lesson they won't soon forget", urged team captain steve "field marshal" saunders. "no lazy fly balls and pop ups, hit the ball down on the ground. It is a massive outfield out there. Let's make them work for their outs for cryin' out loud", he continued, his voice rising in volume as his teammates clearly got the message. Once again leading by example, steve "downtown" saunders crushed a leadoff triple. As he charged hard around the bases, puffs of smoke billowing from his nostrils like a raging bull, the rebel infielders nervously distanced themselves from the bases so as to not be mown down. Runs scored by Taylor "the terror" Albert, "downtown", "wild thing" , "the wrangler" and "pound em' back" lead to a five run inning as the fun bunch took the lead 23-18 , metaphorically throwing down the gauntlet. With the game seemingly in the bag, the funbunch laid an egg in the eighth going three-up-three-down. Coupled with a five run top of the ninth by the rebels -- including a grand slam home run, their adversaries had clearly answered back. With his back to the wall "field marshal" knew exactly what had to be done. He addressed his troops. With their heads lowered they had the look of defeat about them. They were tired, dirty, sweaty and exhausted. "Listen gang. I need one more favour from each of you. I don't want to lose this game. What I'm asking you to do isn't going to be easy but it is necessary. So stand up, dust yourselves off, and when you enter that batter's box do so with pride. We are the funbunch and we never give up, we never lose hope and we never stop trying. All I ask you to do is to keep the ball down and make them work for their outs and I guarantee we will win this game and put a dagger through their hearts", field marshal calmly stated. The speech had its intended effect as the team collectively snapped out of its self-pitying stupor. First up - "field marshal" who had struggled all night with the replacement pitchers who served him up the usual array of wild and wacky pitches. With "the gazelle" on the pitching mound, he calmly instructed him to "toss it in like a beachball" only to see the first pitch land with a plop about five feet in front of home plate. "That's ok, the ball was on-line, just throw the next one a little farther", he gently asked the neophyte pitcher. The next pitch didn't have home run potential but "field marshal" knew he had to get the ball rolling. Taking a giant stride he pummelled the stuffing out of the ball as he drilled it hard into the gap in left center field. Charging around the bases, he eased into third base with another lead-off triple. Needing only two runs to tie the game and three to win, the funbunch were off to a great start. Next up was Nancy "knock em out of the park" Harris in her season debut. She cast a playful wink at "downtown" at third as she said under her breath, "get ready to run" before she did her job and hit a sacrifice infield hit to bring him home to score and shrink the gap to a single run. One out - down by one. Next up Richard "wild thing" Bujold. His instructions were concise: "don't pop it up". One pop up later and the fun bunch task just got monumentally harder. Two out and down by a run. It was Taylor "the terror" 's turn to show what she was made of. One pitch later she was standing on first after a clutch hit down the line. One on, two out, down by a run. This was a nail-biter. Glen "the wrangler" Rankin settled into the batter's box. He coolly cast "field marshal" a playful wink as he drilled the first pitch deep to the fence to score "the terror" as he made it all the way to third. Now the rebels were worried. Up by three runs going into the ninth inning, they had seen their lead surgically dissected by fun bunch. Clearly out-classed, out-played and out-coached, they felt the gut-wrenching grip of panic set in as Leah "the roadrunner" Morel dug into the batter's box. Two out, game tied, runner at third, she knew what she had to do as she crushed the first pitch over the heads of the infields as she flew down the line for a game winning clutch single. Funbunch win 26-25.
AQUABATS LATEST VICTIMS OF FUNBUNCH JUGGERNAUT
Team improves record to 3-0 with scorching hot start to the season beating Aquabats 25-19
OTTAWA - Once a rag-tag band of n'er do wells, the fun bunch have metamorphosed into a majestic butterfly, under the careful tutelage of team captain and mentor, steve "field marshal" saunders. Using just the right dose of encouragement and admonishment, "field marshal" has watched his team rise to his challenge and emerge from their pre-season cocoon to quickly spread their wings and take flight, soaring over the competition - still in the pupal stage. Sure there are still some defensive "rough edges" to be smoothed off but the team has become an offensive juggernaut -- feared and reviled by the other teams in the league. Long gone are the days of mollycoddling and blown leads, now only a distant memory, since replaced by discipline and victory. Tonight the team was facing another tough opponent --the wily aquabats--so "field marshal" had no time to rest on his laurels. Re-joining the squad was disgraced former co-captain Alison "bulldozer" Hale. She had taken one on the chin for abandoning her post in the first game of the season, but had returned with steely determination to earn back the respect of her teammates and her rank which she had so carelessly frittered away. "private bulldozer hale reporting for duty sir", she piped up chipperly. "you're three minutes late for the game solider!" , shouted "field marshal" unimpressed. "now drop and give me twenty push-ups", he continued contempt in his voice. Rolling her eyes heavenward, "bulldozer" quickly realized that the mountain might be a bit steeper than she first anticipated, but without skipping a beat she landed with a plop in the dusty dugout and began pushing herself up unsteadily off the ground. After what seemed like an eternity, she completed her task and rose slowly to her feet. Looking somewhat bedraggled and with hair stuck to the sweat on her face, she nevertheless stood ramrod straight and exclaimed "all done sir!" with great pride and dignity. "Don't just stand there looking for a pat on the back, get yourself onto the field soldier", "field marshal" retorted loudly as he chuckled under his breath to himself. Who says you can't teach an old dog new tricks, the wily veteran silently ruminated as he stood quite impressed by her initial display of repentance. Aquabats came to bat first as the home team. They quickly loaded the bases with some hard grounders played off an infield that was like a wal-mart parking lot. The freshly groomed diamond was rock hard providing absolutely no friction, as the ball bounced through the infield without any loss of momentum . The fun bunch finished the inning down three runs. As they marched into the dugout, "field marshal" gave them a quick venue report. "The infield is brutal. Any ground balls are going to get through for singles. Keep the ball down and bounce them hard off the ground", came his sage advice. Alas, the first two fun bunch batters chose instead to eschew this guidance as they popped out harmlessly to put the fun bunch in a big hole. But this was the new metamorphosed fun bunch. When one teammate stumbles the other steps in to pick them up. So after richard "wild thing" bujold made the second out with a shallow pop out, kelly "crusher" campeau drilled the first pitch into the outfield to start the ball rolling. Next clark "pound 'em back" lawlor hit a double, then kathie "daredevil" adare got aboard to load the bases for (gulp) "downtown". With the aquabats nervously whispering, their outfielders ran to the fence, their backs firmly pressed into the chain links awaiting the inevitable. Fortunately for them, somehow "wildthing" had managed to saunter up to the pitcher's mound and was reaching into his usual back of tricks for "downtown". First ball - in the dirt. Second ball - three feet outside. At this point, "downtown" made an adjustment. Realizing that his choice of pitches was going to range from bad to worse, he choked down on the bat and got ready to drill the ball somewhere hard and not necessarily over the fence. Third pitch was the worse won yet, but you would never know it. "Downtown" took three gargantuan leaps forward and pummelled the stuffing off the ball deep into the gap in center field as two runs scored. Next up was "private" Hale. She dug herself in determinedly at the plate and drilled the first pitch deep into the field to drive in "downtown" and cap the five run, two out rally. "Well Done corporal", hollered "field marshal" as "bulldozer" had begun her slow but well-deserved re-ascension. The second inning saw the aquabats score only a single run, allowing the funbunch a perfect opportunity to twist the knife deeper. Glen "the wrangler" Rankin lead off with a solid double followed by another solid hit by new recruit kelly "crusher" campeau. With richard "wildthing" bujold looking to atone for his plethora of bad throws, popups and misplays in the outfield, he too hit a solid double to keep the rally going. Leah "roadrunner" Morrel got on base next. With two runners aboard clark "pound 'em back" lawlor continued his annoyingly bad habit of refusing to swing at the first pitch (a habit that he has unfortunately imparted to his wife kathie "daredevil" adare) leaving him with only two pitches to consider. Unperturbed, he swung at the second pitch and got all of it. Sailing ever higher, it might have a chance. With a last minute gust of wind, the ball cleared the fence to cap another five run inning. Fun bunch up 10-4. The game continued in this manner with the aquabats scoring a run or two only to be answered by three or four runs by the funbunch to maintain their ever increasing lead. While the funbunch offense was in high gear, their defense was another matter. Dropped fly balls, lack of back-up in the outfield, misjudged hits sailing over fielders, made the game much closer than it should have been. That said, richard "wildthing" bujold playing with a badly injured shoulder and unable to throw the ball, repeatedly covered for his teammates in the outfield and he did his best to get the ball in to the infield, all-the-while in a great deal of pain and distress. Also earning honorable mention was "pound 'em back" who made a great effort to run headlong after a shallow pop up and dive hard for the ball, injuring his wrist in the process. In the bottom of the fourth inning the score was 15-7 for the funbunch. Hits by "roadrunner", "daredevil" and "pound 'em back" had loaded the bases. Striding to the plate was a confidant looking "downtown". With "wild thing" on the mound again and looking somewhat vexed , "downtown" soothed him as he calmly advised him to "toss it in like a beachball". After the first pitch hit the dirt, three feet in front of home plate, "downtown" once again--with endless patience--told "wildthing" to "take a deep breath and toss it in like a beachball". This pitch was going to be good enough, as "downtown" pummelled it deep into the hampton park forest - capping yet another five run inning. All this time "bulldozer" hale was quietly impressing "field marshal". With three hits in as many at bats she had quickly become "master sergeant" hale with her sights set firmly on the rank of "captain". Another impressive game was had by newcomer kelly "crusher" campeau, going four for four so far at the plate as well as playing rock-solid at second base. In the sixth inning she made her pitching debut much to the delight of her teammates. "I wish 'field marshal' could pitch like you", "hey kelly can you play shortstop too?", "at least someone in the infield doesn't make errors", -- the taunts came fast and furious -- directed squarely at team stalwart steve "field marshal" saunders. In a disgraceful display of "what have you done for me lately", the team turned on their most decorated player. Quickly forgetting, the batting titles, the championships, the game winning home runs, the MVP awards, the first team all-star honors, they savaged him with their ferocious verbal attacks. Unimpressed he rolled his eyes heavenward as he thought back to the games earlier blunders by those most vicious in their attack. John "Methuselah" Devrie's dropped pop ups. Richard "wildthing" Bujold's wild throws. Sighing, with the fortitude of a giant, he let the abusive comments roll off him like water off a duck's back. In his twenty-eight years he had seen it all before. Continually being threatened by the "new recruit". But in those twenty-eight years, there was still only one "downtown". Irreplaceable, incomparable, unparalleled. "Keep up the good work kid", he shouted to "crusher" as he shot her a playful wink watching as her eyes lit up with his acknowledgement. At the end of the eighth inning the score was 25-16 for the fun bunch. Their offense had tailed off in the last two innings with a five up three down zero run seventh and only two runs scored in the eighth. However, one of those runs came after Alison "bulldozer" Hale got her fifth hit of the night. Advanced to second, she stood poised to prove her mettle as "the wrangler" came to bat. With two out, she knew she had a chance to score on a single if she took off on contact. Not disappointing, "the wrangler" crushed the first pitch into the gap in center all the way to the wall. Taking off like a shot, "bulldozer" easily hustled to third. Determined to once again lead by example, she ignored the harried pleas of the third base coach to "stay put", as her eyes narrowed to slits and her pace quickened. Feeling increasingly more nervous, the aquabat third baseman, shuffled quickly out of the way to avoid being bowled over by the ex-captain-cum-raging-bull. The ball came into the infield as "bulldozer" crossed the commit line. There was no turning back now. Quick thinking by "the wrangler" bought her an extra second as he quickly stutter-stepped at second base to give the short stop a momentary cause for concern. Realizing the ruse, he threw the ball home but not before "bulldozer" crossed home plate wheezing and exhausted and collapsing in a heap. Over the cheers of her jubilant teammates she could hear the loud voice of "field marshal" as he boomed, "welcome back 'CAPTAIN' Hale.
FUN BUNCH SNATCH VICTORY FROM THE JAWS OF DEFEAT
Heroic last inning rally leads to one run victory over Athletics and keeps unbeaten streak alive
OTTAWA - Facing the pugnacious, overly-competitive and annoying Athletics, Steve "field marshal" Saunders knew he had his work cut out from him. With their first four games of the season all played against elite teams, the fun bunch's tough schedule just got a tad tougher. To make matters worse, John "hans solo" Devries, Kathy "daredevil" Adare, Clark "pound 'em back" Lawlor, and Taylor "the terror" Albert, all decided to kick back and take the night off leaving their teammates to twist in the wind. But the most egregious absence was that of newly re-minted captain Alison "bulldozer" Hale. Less than a week after earning her stripes back--in her first game of the season no less--she decided to flit off to paris--after seemingly growing tired of her subordinates on the team. This left "field marshal" in a lather. "She went WHERE?!", he screamed when informed of her last-minute unsanctioned vacation plans. Sighing deeply, field marshal quickly shifted into "crisis" mode. "Listen team, let's all try to focus on the task at hand. Yes - it is terribly disappointing that our teammates and captain left us hung out to dry, but there is no use crying over spilled milk. Keep in mind that we are playing the Athletics--the team with the bottomless bag of dirty tricks. So never let your guard down or you will get sucker punched right in the face", came "field marshal's" extemporaneous advice. That seemed to quell the panic in the dugout as the fun bunch went to bat. Sadly, four batters later, the side was retired with no runs and only a single to show for their effort. Luckily, the Athletics had a shaky first inning as well and failed to score a run. In the second inning, the big boys (and girls) came to play. Leah "the road runner" Morrel crushed a leadoff double deep to the outfield. She had barely sauntered into second when steve "downtown" saunders--the older of the "bash brothers"-- made the best of a bad pitch and crunched a triple to the gap. Patti "gazoo" Anderson--in her season debut--got a solid single in her first at bat to bring scott "boom boom" saunders--the younger of the "bash brothers" to the plate. Trying his darndest to atone for his abysmal attendance record, "boom boom" walloped the stuffing out of the first pitch--an absolutely beauty--to easily clear the fence and drive in "gazoo". The Fun Bunch were now up 4-0. Unfortunately, the feisty Athletics were not about to go gentle into that good night just yet as they scored five runs including a solo home run by their annoying short stop "double gloves". "double gloves" dons two black batting gloves--perhaps to intimidate the other team?--before he strides to the plate and strikes a bizarre Babe Ruthian pose as he points to the fence with his bat--looking foolishly cartoonish. Down 5-4, the Fun Bunch came to bat in the second inning, and it was a doozy. A lead-off triple by Leah "the road runner" Morrel set the tone, as she smashed the first pitch all the way to the fence and flew around the bases. Hits by Chantal "rum runner" Bujold, Richard "wild thing" Bujold, Glen "the wrangler" Rankin loaded the bases for Steve "downtown" Saunders . With the "bash brothers" in firm control of the game, "downtown" intoned his little brother to "toss it in like a beach ball". One gargantuan swing of his mighty bat and the ball simply disappeared into a speck in the night sky accelerating like a rocket at lift-off to cap a five run inning. Fun Bunch back in the lead 9-5. Growing somewhat worried, the Athletics moved quickly to "plan B", as they reached into their arsenal of dirty tricks to level the playing field. A couple of glaringly one-sided "safe" calls extended their rally's to cash in a few extra base runners. An illegal maneuver by their irksome second baseman--continuing to run to second base after he was forced out--managed to break up an easy double play. And of course they had a bit of help from Richard "wild thing" Bujold who was seconded to the infield due to his inability to throw. With an Athletic base runner charging hard to second base, "wild thing" stood blocking the throw from the outfield as "field marshal" stood at the bag ready for the force. Neatly intercepting the precision throw for what should have been an out while standing off the bag in no man's land, "field marshal" asked him what exactly he was doing. "I was cutting off the ball for the tag", he responded proudly. "It was a force play at second. There was no need for a tag. Either stand on the bag and make the play or get out of my way ", came "field marshal's" curt reply. But "wild thing" wasn't done yet as he bobbled, tripped, stumbled and even did the splits while fielding routine plays at second base much to the merriment of the Athletics who doubled over with laughter at his playful hijinks. Add an errant "out" call at first base on nancy "knock 'em out of the park" harris by neophyte umpire glen "the wrangler" rankin and five innings with only two runs scored for the Fun Bunch, and the Athletics had built a 14-11 lead going into the ninth inning. The Fun Bunch were a dejected team. Their offense had dried up, they were down to four women after Kelly "crusher" Campeau injured her foot and Nancy "knock 'em out of the park" Harris left feeling ill, and they had only a single home run left--the team felt down, depressed, and sad. "If only "bulldozer" was here to mollycoddle us. We tried our best and we just can't do it. Trying our best is good enough isn't it?", someone in the dugout asked innocently enough. At that point you could have heard a pin drop. Fun Bunch players began shuffling furtively away from the guilty party. But it was too late. "Field Marshal" had witnessed the whole sordid affair. "If it's mollycoddling you're looking for then you can grab your gear and leave now ", hollered "field marshal" belligerently at his shocked troops. No one budged an inch. "Good I'll assume that means everyone left in the dugout wants to teach the Athletics a lesson they won't soon forget", he continued at the top of his lungs."This is the last inning so runs are unlimited. We need at least four runs to win, but let's aim for a lot more than that because they still have the bottom half of the inning. It won't be easy, but we are the Fun Bunch and we have crawled our way out of much deeper holes", "field marshal" finished triumphantly. The pep talk seemed to have done the trick as slumped shoulders straightened, frowns turned into radiant smiles, and the collective team gloom dissipated. "I'm gonna tear the hide off that ball", shrieked usually quiet rowena "scoresheet" sams startling the Athletics in the process as she sprinted for the batter's box kicking up plumes of dust on the way. One pitch later and she was aboard jumping up and down and fist pumping, unable to control her enthusiasm. The next batter was little "boom boom" Saunders , the youngest of the feared and reviled "bash brothers". Gulping hard, the Athletics moved to the fence. But it was all for naught as the first pitch sailed over the right field fence to bring the Fun Bunch to within one run of tying the game. The next three batters to get hits were kelly "crusher" campeau, Richard "wild thing" Bujold and Glen "the wrangler" Rankin, loading the bases for steve "the maestro" saunders oldest of the "bash brothers". "Ha ha, they are out of home runs, and this guy is a one-trick pony", "double gloves" taunted from the infield. Bad mistake. "The maestro" had a different plan up his sleeve as he gently coaxed his little brother to "throw it in like a beach ball". What happened next was the stuff of legends. "The maestro" picked his spot deep in the gap in center field where the Athletics weakest fielder was trying to look big and then drilled a line drive to the fence. He was out of the batter's box like a thoroughbred out of the starting gate. The "road runner" (pinch hitting for "crusher") came in to score - game tied. Ever faster he galloped - heading hard into second. "wild thing" came in to score - Fun Bunch up by one. The Athletic outfielder was fumbling with the ball in the wet grass in the outfield, so "the maestro" rounded second and continued to accelerate. "the wrangler" crossed home plate - Fun Bunch up by two runs. Heading into third "the maestro" saw that the ball had been picked up and was heading for a play at the base. The woman at third base had her glove outstretched and was tracking the incoming projectile. With split second timing, "the maestro" altered his base path to align with the trajectory of the ball giving not a second thought to his own well being. The plan worked flawlessly, as the ball hit him in the back of the leg and careened away from the third base woman. "The maestro" rounded third and charged hard home to beat the play by an eyelash for an exceptionally rare in-the-park-grand-slam home run. Fun Bunch up by three. Only half an inning to go. The Fun Bunch had done the unthinkable and scored six runs in the ninth, to take their first lead of the game. Now they had to hold the Athletics to two runs or less - itself a herculean task. The first batter was "double gloves". With only one home run used up, he could shrink the gap if he hit one over the fence. Instead he struck out weakly. "One Out" hollered "field marshal" loud enough that "double gloves" could hear. With a couple of runners aboard, the next batter hit a low liner that was caught for an out. "Two out" hollered "field marshal" as the win began to look inevitable. However, the next batter hit a liner to the gap that sailed through allowing two runs to score. Bottom of the ninth, two out, 17-16 for the Fun Bunch. "It doesn't get much closer than this", Leah "the road runner" Morrel whispered nervously into her glove as the next batter came to the plate. But the Fun Bunch were not to be denied, as Glen "the wrangler" Ranking snagged the shallow fly to end the ball game and leave the Fun Bunch undefeated so far this season.
FUN BUNCH DO IT AGAIN
Late Inning Heroics necessary to keep perfect record intact
OTTAWA-What should have been a cakewalk turned into another gut-wrenching white-knuckle nail-biter. Playing the hapless "Stop Hitting on Me", the Fun Bunch missed a glorious opportunity to pad their stats and coast to an easy victory. With Stop Hitting on Me preparing for the game by guzzling back ice-cold tall boys in lieu of stretching and tossing the ball around, the fun bunch were licking their chops at what should have been easy prey. But a few offensive miscues and an inability to get the critical "third out" in several innings, lead to missed opportunities and unearned runs. The game started on a magnanimous note as career league offensive leader in every category imaginable, steve "downtown" saunders decided to let some of his teammates have their moment of glory by deliberately not hitting any home runs ending his season long streak. Humble as he is generous, "downtown" downplayed his benevolent gesture with typical modesty, "look, we only get three home runs per game, and I think I've hit every one for the team this year, so time to let some of the youngsters have a bit of fun", he said with a playful wink. However, that unselfishness almost came back to haunt him and cost the team the game, as the three home runs were used up to drive in only five runs. Using up two of the home runs was Andrew "the gazelle" Campbell, first with a two-run shot then an unthinkable "solo" home run, earning him a one way ticket to the doghouse. Quickly realizing his gaffe, he lowered his head like a scolded puppy as his teammates chided him with chants of "hans solo, hans solo" as he trudged around the bases. Unwilling to look "field marshal" in the eye, he tried to quickly head for the dugout but "field marshal" quietly pulled him aside and whispered, "don't worry about it kid", immediately lifting his spirits as if the weight of the world had been hoisted from his stooped shoulders. In another bizarre miscue, the fun bunch had two out when glen "the wrangler" rankin strode to the plate. He crushed the first pitch for a deep single, but rounded first and decided to stretch it into a tight double. Meanwhile, Richard "wild thing" Bujold was up to his usual antics. Although he was the designated "umpire" on the play, he had decided to multi-task and place a call on his cell phone while the play unfolded. "This is not going to end well", noted Scott "boom boom" Saunders to himself, in one of his scant game appearances so far this year. The outfielder picked up the ball and heaved it towards second. "The wrangler" meanwhile dug in, like a raging bull, intent on getting an extra base. Comically, "wild thing" was trying to run out on the field with his cell phone jammed into the crook of his neck as he was arguing vehemently on the phone with his ex-wife. With his concentration, divided --but not evenly--between the two intense concurrently unfolding events, he attempted to watch the play while screaming could be heard loudly coming from his receiver. In a very close call, "the wrangler" stepped on the bag, a split-second before the ball was caught. "wild thing" --now johnny-on-the-spot--made the "safe" hand gesture--unable to verbalize the call as he was now shrieking back into the phone. With a collective sigh of relief on the fun bunch bench, the next batter chantal "rum runner" bujold made her way to the plate looking to drive in "the wrangler" from second. But then in a bizarre play that had both teams scratching their heads, "the wrangler" walked off the field --seemingly calling himself out on the play and overriding the umpire. "what's the call on the play?", stop hitting on us asked perplexed and confused--no small thanks to the plethora of tall boys they had by this time consumed. With "wild thing" at this point embroiled in a full on shout-fest, he was unable to respond--a complete dereliction of his duties, the out stood and the fun bunch rally ended on the next pitch, once again frittering away a glorious opportunity to score runs, and worse yet, leaving "downtown" to lead off the next inning--effectively yanking the bat from his very capable hands. A couple of other noteworthy highlights involved team stalwarts rowena "score sheet" sams and nancy "knock 'em out of the park" harris. In separate innings both women had got to first on a single. With steve "field marshal" on the mound and two out in both cases, he prompted both to "take off as soon as the bat makes contact". And in both cases, "score sheet", and "knock 'em out of the park" were quick out of the starting gate as they sprinted for second. Sensing an opportunity to get runners to second and third, "field marshal" barked at the tired base runners to "dig deep and keep running". Lowering their heads and ignoring the pain, both players got their second wind and gave it their all to make it to third safely, both to make it home on the next play to score precious runs. Showing some great spunk, clark "pound 'em back" Lawlor had a good game too. He hit one of his infrequent home runs to score a couple of runs and gamely played third base for the last few innings. Unable to throw with much velocity he fielded a couple of grounders and threw two high-arcing soft tosses to first for outs--shocking both teams in the process. With only an inning to go before he had to leave to play in his second game of the night, Andrew "the gazelle" Campbell, made a second trip to the doghouse. In an innocent play, Stop Hitting on Us hit a shallow fly ball to left rover--a spot currently being covered by taylor "the terror" albert. "I got it", she yelled -- clearly enough for everyone to hear, but "the gazelle" kept charging seemingly intent on making the play. "This isn't going to end well", scott "boom boom" saunders noted once again--like a broken record. With "the terror's" glove, outstretched to make the catch, "the gazelle" reached in front of her to snag the fly for the out. With "the terror" casting him an "if looks could kill" icy stare, "the gazelle" gulped loudly and whispered "sorry about that", as he made his way off the field avoiding her gaze and to the taunts of "let the girls play" from the now fairly inebriated stop hitting on us dugout. Middle of the eighth inning. Once again some defensive miscues allowed stop hitting on us to score three runs and tie the game 15-15. At this point "field marshal" had seen enough and decided his team needed some more direct feedback. "Listen here you maggots", he screamed loud enough to be heard over the roar of the eight lane queensway directly behind them. "I will not let our unbeaten streak end here against this team. They are half in the bag and half as good as you are. Show some pride for gawd's sake. We are the fun bunch and we never give up, never surrender. Now get out there and hammer these sad-sacks mercilessly!", he continued, shocking his team back to reality with his diatribe. With all their homeruns used up, John "methuseleh" Devries strode to the plate. One pitch later he had a double into the gap. "scoresheet" hit her first pitch down in the dirt for a single. Scott "boom boom" Saunders drove a ball deep to the fence that sent "scoresheet" scurrying to third for a run scored. The rally continued in this fashion with "rum runner", "knock 'em out of the park", "the wrangler" and "downtown" getting key hits as well to score four runs before the inning ended. Going into the top of the ninth, the fun bunch were up 19-15. "All we have to do is keep them from scoring four runs and we can head straight to whispers!", kathie "daredevil" adare advised her teammates giddily. Stop Hitting on Us made it interesting by scoring a couple of runs, but the Fun Bunch were not to be denied as they won the game 19-17 and kept their unbeaten streak alive at five games.
FUN BUNCH PILE IT ON
Team annihilates Bon Vivants in colossal mismatch
OTTAWA - With the fun bunch juggernaut running in high gear, the hapless Bon Vivants resembled a herd of injured antelopes being stocked by a pride of starving lions. As on the discovery channel, the Bon Vivants met a similar fate as they were surgically eviscerated by the razor sharp bats and gloves of their predator. This despite the fact, that a plethora of players including co-captain Alison "bulldozer" Hale decided to kick-back and take the night off to let their teammates twist in the wind. Still sipping chianti and dining on fine cheeses and pastries in Paris, "bulldozer" continued her unsanctioned leave, effectively AWOL from the team. "I hear field marshal is going to have her court-martialed when she returns", rowena "scoresheet" sams whispered nervously in the dugout to her teammates. In fact, the game started with only three women, "scoresheet", leah "roadrunner" morrel and nancy "hit 'em out of the park" harris in the lineup. "I think we're going to get lots of at-bats", giggled "roadrunner" as she eagerly looked forward to the challenge. Bolstering the ranks of the depleted male contingent was newcomer Justin "too tall" Fraser, recruited from Andrew "the gazelle" Campbell's baseball team where he is the starting ace pitcher. Once informed of the plethora of byzantine rules governing the game, he settled down into center field where he used his strong throwing arm to good use. With a shortage of women players, the new-look fun bunch infield had "roadrunner" starting at first and "hit 'em out of the park" standing nervously at the hot corner. In a recurring theme, the Bon Vivants threatened with base runners in the first but could not cash in any runs do to the strong defense of the fun bunch. The bottom of the inning was a different story as the fun bunch scored five runs including two long balls to the fence by "the gazelle" and "too tall" setting the table for steve "downtown" saunders. With two runners aboard and two runs scored, "downtown" was looking to hit the ball somewhere hard. With his little brother "boom boom" on the pitching mount, "downtown" coaxed him to "toss it in like a beach ball". However, the first two pitches landed with a plop in the mud, about two feet in front of home plate. Taking a deep breath, "downtown" quickly revised his game plan as he choked up on the bat, determined to make solid contact on the last pitch--regardless of its whereabouts. When he realized that the final pitch was going to land, once again, short of its target, he took two herculean strides forward and pummelled the stuffing out of the ball and watched it sail every so gracefully into the far diamond. However, it wasn't entirely smooth sailing as the fun bunch turned in back-to-back three-up-three-down innings without requiring the bon vivants to break a sweat as they slowly chipped away at the lead to finish behind 5-2 after three innings. Determined to put an end to his team's tomfoolery, "field marshal" read them the riot act between innings which seemed to stem the tide as the fun bunch set the bon vivants down in order and then scored two more to take a more comfortable 7-2 lead. At this point chantal "rum runner" bujold showed up late from her acupuncture treatment declaring herself "fit as a fiddle" as she sidled up to first base, moving "the roadrunner" to third and "hit 'em out of the park" to rover. In the next inning, the fun bunch unloaded for an impressive barrage scoring five runs and unleashing their feared "shock and awe" campaign. With "scoresheet", "hit 'em out of the park", "rum runner", "boom boom", glen "the wrangler" rankin (playing bravely despite some sort of upper-body injury), "downtown" and "the gazelle" all getting hits the bases were loaded when justin "too tall" fraser came to home plate. Before the words "wait for a good one" were even out of "field marshals'" mouth, "too tall" crunched the first pitch high into the stratosphere landing in the nearby football field for a grand slam homer. And while not one of "downtown's" trademark moon shots, it was impressive nonetheless. With the score now 12-1, and any thought of victory well behind them, the bon vivants lived up to their moniker and continued with their playful cajoling and good-natured fun making for one of the more enjoyable games that the fun bunch have played this year. With "scoresheet" doubling as pinch runner for "rumrunner", the innings were beginning to take their toll as she racked up many laps around the diamond until eventually "knock 'em out of the park" was conscripted to replace her. With an 0-for-three record heading into the eighth inning (including a disastrous pop up in the sixth with runners in scoring position), richard "wild thing" bujold knew he was one mistake away from a one-way ticket to the doghouse. Gathering himself up--as best he could do under the circumstances--"wildthing" dug in at second and made three stellar plays. A nice flip-pass to "downtown" and two nicely fielded grounders that he threw to his sister "rum runner" for outs to end the inning. Coming to bat with two runners aboard in the bottom of the eighth, "wildthing" gave "field marshal" a playful wink and intoned him to "throw it in like a beach ball". One pitch later, "wild thing" had got his first hit of the night--a long overdue double that scored two runs. Looking smug and satisfied with himself, he trotted into second and took a deep breath. Final score fun bunch 20 - Bon Vivants 4
LUCKY NUMBER SEVEN
Solid team effort keeps Fun Bunch unbeaten this year
OTTAWA - On a night when "downtown's" doghouse was packed to the rafters, Richard "wild thing" Bujold, was in and out so many times, they had to install a turnstile. He wasn't the only culprit, of course, but he was the most frequent visitor. "It's too bad, they don't give air miles for each visit, otherwise 'wild thing' could fly to jamaica", noted john "methuselah" devries as he watched gobsmacked at "wild thing's" hijinks. The Fun Bunch were playing a tough team -- the main street crawlers-- who had just come off an ol' fashioned pummelling of the hapless bon vivants, and were looking to maintain their momentum. Unfortunately, the Fun Bunch, got off to a slow start and for the first time this season, scored only a single run after three full innings. Which brings us back to "wild thing". In the second inning, with Taylor "the terror" Albert and Glen "the wrangler" Rankin at first and second and two out, "wild thing" came to bat. On the pitching mound, Steve "field marshal" Saunders was trying to coach him into hitting a solid ground ball to score a badly needed run. Sadly, "wild thing" was bound and determine to "hit one over the fence" at all costs--a brazen "all or nothing" play. One pitch later, his selfish decision registered a "nothing" as he popped out weakly to end the inning and leave base runners stranded earning him once again a one-way ticket to the doghouse--his first, but not last of the night. Meanwhile, the Fun Bunch were playing with only four guys as three players decided to kick back and let the team twist in the wind. The first laggard to arrive late was John "hans solo" Devries when he sauntered into the dugout after two innings giggling and weaving. "Sorry I'm late, we had a dinner party", he slurred, giggling once more and then farted as if to further punctuate his announcement. Next up was Scott "boom boom" Saunders, who sauntered into the diamond in the middle of the third inning, casually reading his latest "friend requests" on facebook as his teammates were fighting for their lives on the ball diamond. Yawning he did some stretching before donning his cleats and making his way to the outfield clearly in no hurry. And last but not least was Andrew "the gazelle" Campbell. It took him a full four innings before he decided to show up. "Sorry field marshal, I thought the game was at 8:30, can I still play?", he inquired genuinely enough. Seething, but realizing that he would need "the gazelle" to beat Main Street Crawlers, "field marshal" reluctantly agreed to let him join the squad, but only after he made him do fifty push-ups. At this point the game was very close 4-2 after four innings. Alison "Bulldozer" Hale--who had only recently returned from her sojourn in Paris-- decided she had seen enough. Although she had been away for three long weeks, dining on coq au vin, bouillabaisse and wonderful beaujolais, leaving her teammates high and dry during the toughest part of the schedule she decided that she needed to lead by example. She confidently strode to the plate, cast a playful wink at steve "field marshal" saunders and demanded he "toss one in like a beach ball". One pitch later she was one first (albeit huffing and puffing a bit from all the fine French cuisine) and the rally had started. Scott "boom boom" Saunders soon joined her and then Andrew "the gazelle" Campbell. Desperately in need of some runs, "field marshal" gave "the gazelle" the green light and he crushed the first pitch over the fence. Fun Bunch scored four runs to take the lead 8-2. The plucky Main Street Brawlers however hunkered down in their dugout to reassess their strategy over a couple of ice-cold tall boys. A quick huddle later they came to bat and proceeded to have their biggest inning of the night as they scored four runs. In the previous inning, "wild thing" had worked his front paw out of the doghouse by delivering a clutch single to drive in a run. Unfortunately, he managed to squander that goodwill and do a quick about-face back into the doghouse in the fifth. With two out and a runners at first and second, a soft grounder was hit right over second base. With "wild thing" out of position, a quick-thinking "field marshal", dove for the ball to get a chance for an out. His face turned ashen, however, as all color drained out of it when he realized with gut-wrenching horror that there was no one to throw the ball to. Inexplicably, "wild thing" stood transfixed as the play unfolded. As "field marshal" went for the ball, "wild thing" failed to cover the bag and the runners advanced. You can probably guess what happened next. First pitch, grand slam, four runs scored. Back to the doghouse for "wild thing". In the six inning, the Fun Bunch did what they do best when faced with adversity - they dig in. First batter Kathy "daredevil" Adare - single. Next Glen "the wrangler" Rankin - single. Runners at first and second. Next up Taylor "the terror" Albert - single. Bases loaded. Hits by "hans solo", "bulldozer", "wild thing", and "boom boom" and the Fun Bunch had scored five runs--all without using up a home run or an out--and "wild thing" had worked his front paw and head back out of the doghouse. Score 13-6 Fun Bunch. A poor seventh inning and the score was now 14-12 heading into the eight. "Look team - we really need a couple of big innings here. Our undefeated streak is on the line. Let's dig deep and get five runs and take some pressure off", "field marshal" encouraged his teammates. Hits by Leah "roadrunner" Morel, "daredevil", and "the wrangler" loaded the bases. Richard "wild thing" Bujold marched to the plate--ice in his veins. He wanted nothing less than total vindication. He wanted out of that doghouse in a bad way. There was no playful wink, no theatrics, no hijinks. "Wild thing" Dug in at the plate, spit in both hands, took three practice swings and stood, arms loaded, like a coiled spring. "I feel good about this", thought "downtown" to himself, as he tossed in one of his now legendary beach balls to "wild thing". "Wild thing" swung so hard he nearly fell over. Mouths fell agape. He had hit the ball dead in the sweet spot and it was still rising. There was no question this one was leaving the park, the only question was when it would stop. "Wild thing" got up, dusted himself off and trotted around the bases to the exultation of his teammates. As he crossed home plated he cast a wayward glance towards the pitching mound where he caught site of "field marshal" flashing him the thumbs up sign while mouthing "you're out of the doghouse ". Score 19-12 Fun Bunch. The Fun Bunch scored three more in the top of the ninth on hits by Rowena "scoresheet" Sams, "roadrunner", "the gazelle", Clark "pound 'em back" Lawlor, and "downtown" to finish the inning 22-13. Main Street however, got a rally going and hit a grand slam home run to make the score 22-17 but their rally was extinguished on a great play by "the wrangler". With a bloop hit to shallow left field that was dropping in for a hit, "the wrangler" charged the ball. The ball picked up speed as it accelerated downwards, complements of Newtonian physics. With the game potentially on the line, "the wrangler" dove head first for the ball, risking life and limb, as he managed to get the tip of his glove on it. Meanwhile he was sliding through the wet and slippery sod while he tried to ensnare the ball that seemed to confound him and refuse to enter his glove. By this point, mud, grass and water were squirting everywhere. "The wranglers" Glasses were fogged and smeared with dirt. As the ball took one last careen off his webbing, it began to drop to the ground. Those his visibility was nil, "the wrangler" opened his glove one last time and snapped blindly in the direction of the ball in a desperate attempt to trap it. This time, the wet leather caught hold and he lifted his hand triumphantly in the air. Three out, Fun Bunch win 22-17.
FUN BUNCH MAUL DOG’S BOLLOCKS
Easy one-sided victory extends streak
TEL AVIV – The fun bunch won their eighth game in a row and are still undefeated since the start of the season. They were playing the hapless Dog’s Bollocks, a gentle team that was in way over their head from the first pitch to the last pop out. With steve “field marshal’ saunders’ firm hand on the tiller, he instructed his crew of battle hardened veterans to “show no mercy”, as the fun bunch methodically eviscerated their opponents as instructed. The game got off on a sour note, however, when Andrew “gazelle” Campbell failed to show up as promised, leaving his teammates twisting in the wind. With the fun bunch first to bat, Richard “wild thing” Bujold quickly came to the plate. He was looking to impress as his ex-wife made a rare appearance and was watching from the bleachers. Striding up to the plate it was clear he had only one thing on his mind. But with no base runners on, “field marshal” cautioned him to “do the right thing” and “keep the ball in the park”. Sadly, that advice fell on deaf ears as “wild thing” wound himself up like a corkscrew in the batter’s box, intent on “clearing the fences”. One pitch later, he was out , a victim of his own pride, with a harmless pop up to end the inning. He lowered his head and slunk off the field, trying his best to avoid “field marshal’s” admonishing glare. Thankfully, this game was never close however, with the fun bunch taking the lead in the first inning and never relinquishing it. There were a pair of multi-run homers from the “bash brothers”, and a couple of two out five run innings as well, as the fun bunch just kept piling up the runs. One of the few highlights from the dog’s bollocks was the play of their left fielder who robbed nancy “knock ‘em out of the park” harris, Kathy “daredevil” adare, leah “roadrunner” morrel and Kelly “crusher” Campeau all of legitimate base hits. Adding to the bollocks’ offensive woe’s was their clearly inept pitcher who struck out a bevy of his own players, often with them flailing helplessly at unhittable pitches. In addition to their offensive onslaught, the fun bunch had some defensive highlights too. “field marshal’ and “wild thing” turned a rare double-play. “field marshal” made an over-the-shoulder catch when he realized the ball was going to drop in the shallow outfield for a hit. But the play of the game belonged to glen “the wrangler” rankin. Consistently solid, he goes about his business matter-of-factly with little fanfare and the demeanor of an accountant. But with one out to go to end the game, and the fun bunch getting thirsty, the dog’s bollocks hit a bloop single to left field. “That could score some runs” , noted third baseman leah “roadrunner” morrel as she watched helpless to make the play. But “the wrangler” came charging hard—all the way from the fence—determined to give it his best shot. At the last minute, when he realized he wasn’t going to make it, he dove head first towards the rapidly approaching ball. With his arm outstretched, his chin hit the turf hard, causing his jaw to snap shut as he bit down hard on his tongue. Tears of pain welled up in his eyes, but still he kept sliding, glove outstretched, unable to now feel his tongue. With the dogs bollocks’ baserunners rapidly clearing the base path, they seemed to be mounting a ninth inning rally. But just as the ball was about to hit the ground, “the wrangler” gave one final stretch, and caught it in the tip of his glove’s webbing—like an ice cream cone to win the game and keep the streak alive.
FUN BUNCH WIN NINTH STRAIGHT GAME
Team hangs on to defeat NGC 16-9 and remain undefeated
JERUSALEM – With steve “field marshal” saunders on a rare leave of absence, the well-being of the team was entrusted to his lieutenant clark “pound ‘em back” lawlor “. Look “pound ‘em back” our season long winning streak is on the line and I don’t want it to end here. Have them execute my game plan and this should be a straightforward victory. And whatever you do, don’t show up loaded”, “field marshal” carefully explained to “pound ‘em back”, before he left town. “Pound ‘em back”, listened intently, but his eyes started to glaze over quickly, however he nodded his head all the same not wanting to show his confusion. After “field marshal” left, he tried his darndest to remember his marching orders. Something to do with getting loaded? Yeah that was it, he thought, quite proud of his ability to remember. Fun bunch were playing a new opponent – NGC enterprises – so no scouting report was available. It turns out many of the players were from bass line station as they entered a second team into the league. It was a close affair, but two homers from Andrew “gazelle” Campbell (no longer AWOL) and one from scott “boom boom” saunders helped pad the lead. Not wanting to be left out of the fun, “pound ‘em back” (sufficiently loaded as requested) hit a fourth home run for an out and was dismayed to find his teammates unimpressed with his antics. Despite his tomfoolery, the funbunch held fast and closed out NGC with yet another victory.
WRANGLER RALLY
Glen "the wrangler" Rankin puts on a clinic but team falls short as the Fun Bunch lose their first game of the season
OTTAWA - Glen "the wrangler" rankin put on an offensive barrage last night. He hit three over-the-fence home runs (two of them grand slams) and added a fourth in-the-park home run for a grand tally of 14 RBI's to do his darndest to keep the season long winning streak alive. Alas, the fun bunch were behind the eight ball right from the get-go, thanks to the usual gang of n'er do wells. Scott "boom boom" Saunders, Clark "pound 'em back" Lawlor and Andrew "gazelle" Campbell, all decided to kick back and take the night off leaving their teammates twisting in the wind. When asked what she thought of their decision to skip the game and put the season-long winning streak in jeopardy, co-captain Alison "bulldozer" Hale didn't mince words, "when the going gets tough, the tough get going", she snarled. That left only four full-time guys left to play, forcing steve "field marshal" saunders to conscript corey "stretch" ploegman for his first ever organized softball game. Missing the two strongest arms in the outfield, and with both "the wrangler" and richard "wild thing" bujold unable to throw the ball without pain, "field marshal" took over in center field and re-organized the infield. The new-look infield had "stretch" at the hot corner, "the wrangler" at short, Leah "roadrunner" Morrel at second and stalwarts Kathie "daredevil" adare at first and rowena "scoresheet" sams at home. That left richard "wild thing" bujold in right field , "field marshal" in center and john "Methuselah" devries in left. In an absolutely dreadful start, the fun bunch went six-up, six-down without a single hit in the first two innings and quickly found themselves in a big hole down 7-0. At this point "field marshal" unleashed an expletive-filled tirade covering a wide array of topics including "pride" , "discipline" and "dignity". After what seemed like an eternity, the team appeared to get the message as kathie "daredevil" adare promptly drilled the first pitch for a leadoff single. She was followed suit by singles from Corey "stretch" Ploegman and Alison "bulldozer" Hale setting the stage for the start of "the wranglers" monumental evening. With the first pitch tossed in like a beach ball, "the wrangler" promptly hit it spot-on to clear the fence for a much needed grand slam to jump-start the five run inning and put the fun bunch back in the game. But "the wrangler" wasn't done there as he went on to hit another grand slam homer in the fourth inning and a three run shot in the fifth to move the fun bunch into the lead 15-10. Unfortunately at this point the game started to spiral out of control as errors in the outfield began to hurt the fun bunch. With richard "wild thing" bujold reluctantly playing right field, he was somehow managing to hold his own. That all changed very quickly as he lost a towering fly ball "in the lights" as it dropped behind him for a triple. Sensing an exposed soft-underbelly, impact moved in for the kill as they drilled another hard shot towards "wild thing". With the ball seemingly within his grasp, it soon squirted free like a too-tightly gripped banana from its peel as it careened off his forehead--leaving a large red welt--to drop on the grass for yet another triple. Meanwhile in left field john "hans solo" devries was having a few difficulties of his own. His woes started on what seemed like a straight forward play. With the ball hit into centre-left field, steve "field marshal" saunders glided smoothly under the ball all the while yelling "I got it johnnie". As he was about to snag the ball, he could see in his peripheral vision a dark shadow growing larger, as "hans solo" inexplicably was still approaching him. Making the out, "field marshal" realized that a collision was unavoidable as he braced himself for impact using his hockey-playing skills to his advantage. Poor "hans solo" didn't stand a chance. With "field marshal" outweighing him by a good fifty pounds of solid muscle, "hans" crumpled to the ground like a ball of cheap tin foil. "Johnnie, what the heck were you doing, I called you off at least four times?", an incredulous "field marshal" yelled as he quickly approached his fallen comrade to see if he was still breathing. After what seemed like an eternity, "hans solo" gathered himself up, sucked in a great lungful of air and slowly replied, "I thought you said 'get it johnnie' ", before lapsing into unconsciousness. With that painful memory indelibly etched in his memory, "hans solo" ran into some trouble gripping the ball a couple of times. Resembling a farmer trying to grab a greased pig, the ball scooted and squirted from his grasp, while base runners merrily advanced around the diamond. With the fun bunch coming to bat in the bottom of the ninth inning, the score stood 23-20 for impact. Three runs for a tie or four runs for a win. Out of home runs, however, the hill seemed a little steeper. "The wrangler" lead off with his fifth hit of the game. "The roadrunner" blasted the first pitch deep to the outfield for what would have been an easy double, only to be robbed by the center fielder . "Wild thing" came to bat and got a clutch hit to put two base runners aboard. "Scoresheet" came to bat next and advanced the base runners but was put out at first. Steve "downtown" saunders strode to the batter's box. "If we had only one more home run left, this game would soon be tied", he thought to himself as he looked at the base runners on 2nd and 3rd. But alas, this was not the case as there were now two out and--worst yet--john "brush back" devries was on the mound. With no seasoned back-up pitcher, poor "downtown" had suffered the ignominy of having to deal with a veritable witches cauldron of terrible pitching all game long. Between "wild thing" and "brush back", they'd nary thrown a good ball between them, forcing "downton" to swing at a plethora of problematic pitches. Here we go again, he thought, rolling his eyes heavenward before asking "brush back" to "throw it in like a beach ball". Resembling more a bowling ball than a beach ball the first pitch approached the plate--low and outside. Realizing that it may get worse, "downtown" took three quick strides and caught the ball square on the stitching sending it soaring high to right field. With two out, "the wrangler" and "wild thing" were off in a flash scoring easily before the ball even reached its apex. As it came down and accelerated, the stocky fielder was running to and fro, as the wind buffeted the earth bound missile. Unable to track the flight of the ball, he stumbled and the ball dropped in for a base hit. Leaving "downtown" the tying run on first. The next batter however hit into a force play at second leaving the fun bunch one run short and with their nine-game, season-long winning streak abruptly ended.
PARTY'S OVER
Fun Bunch squeak out a tie with ninth inning rally
OTTAWA - It's official. The aura of invincibility that once enveloped the undefeated fun bunch is now long gone -- suddenly and spectacularly, like an overinflated balloon popped by a sharp pin. The once infallible fun bunch have become mediocre. Their once feared blitzkrieg-like offense now resembles a sputtering pop-gun. Their shut-down, cast-iron defense now looks more like wet, shredded cheesecloth. Their once lock-step military precision now more like the bumbling keystone cops. Where did it all go wrong? Turn back the page two short weeks ago and they were the toast of the league. Unbeaten in nine games. Season long winning streak. Knocking off all the toughest teams including the Athletics and Bass Line Station both championship finalists. Now the team that steve "field marshal" saunders has worked so hard to assemble, train and lead was in shambles. After their season long winning streak ended one game ago, what was needed was a sharp rebound and a return to form with a morale-boosting, one-sided, bone-crushing win. With the IWD loonies next on the schedule, it looked like just what the doctor ordered. The hapless loonies should have proven sheep-to-the-slaughter but instead grabbed the lead in the second inning and held on for dear life while the fun bunch spun their wheels futilely trying to catch them. Once again, the fun bunch couldn't score a run in the first two innings and had only a single hit. Compounding the problem, Clark "pound 'em back" lawlor took a page out of John "hans solo" devries playbook and hit not one but two solo shots to score two runs but leaving the team with only one home run left. With nary a modicum of offense at their disposal, the fun bunch quickly fell behind the loonies. The stalked soon became stalker as the fun bunch defense floundered and turned a cake-walk into an error-fest. Usually steady center fielder scott "boom boom" saunders had a dreadful night -- dropping not one, but three easy fly balls to allow runs to score. Scolded by his big brother steve "field marshal" saunders, for once again eschewing baseball cleats for tennis shoes, he did his best impression of paolo "slip-n-slide" daros as he slid around in the outfield, unable to get any traction with his frictionless foot wear. Not to be out done, Alison "bulldozer" Hale, had a rare opportunity to right the ship, with a couple of shallow easy pop-ups, but alas dropped in harmlessly behind her as she struggled with her depth perception. Even rock-solid first baseman kathy "daredevil" Adare dropped an easy pop-up as did Leah "roadrunner" morrel as if they had all been drinking from the same tainted water bottle. But, as usual, the best was yet to come. With richard "wild thing" bujold placed strategically out of harm's way at third base, his moment to shine was quickly upon him as an easy pop-up came his way. Foul, but just past third base, richard circled for what seemed like an eternity as he tried to get a bead on the lazy fly. As the ball landed in his glove, it made a sound like a marble landing on a metal roof and then popped loose as "wild thing" mistimed its entrapment. As if that weren't bad enough, the surly loonie umpire called the hit "fair" and then awarded the baserunner second base because "wild thing" knocked the ball out-of-play. Down 13-9, embarrassed by the lowly loonies, the fun bunch were now seething after the call. With wisdom well beyond his years, "field marshal" seized the opportunity to rally his troops. "Are you going to let this team beat you?", he bellowed snapping the team out of its collective haze. "We are contenders, and they are a team of also-rans. If it wasn't for our ineptitude this game would already be out of reach. Now they are making home-town calls to boot just to rub our noses in it. Enough is enough. The bleeding stops here. Anyone who isn't prepared to do whatever it takes to win this game can head to the parking lot now", he screamed at the top of his lungs in one big whoosh of air. The team stood transfixed. The ball diamond went eerily quiet. Even the mosquitoes stopped buzzing about and sat down on the fence afraid to move. After what seemed like an eternity, sophomore Leah "roadrunner" Morrel piped up, "I want to win too field marshal!", then "wild thing" agreed whole heartedly, then "bulldozer" and soon the whole team joined in the chorus. With that they headed out to the field for the top of the ninth inning where "roadrunner" put on a dramatic defensive spectacle. A hard liner was hit to the hole at second, but using her blazing speed she tracked it down, then she stopped, pivoted and drilled the ball hard enough into "daredevil's" glove to cause her to wince in pain. "tee hee , I learned that trick from 'field marshal'", she giggled as she got the first out of the inning. Second batter, pop fly to the outfield easily handled by "wild thing". Two out. Next batter hit a liner to the outfield which was an easy single, but he decided to get greedy and go for second. Glen "the wrangler" Rankin fielded the ball cleanly and threw it hard into second. With her back to the play, "roadrunner" was unaware what was unfolding, as the loonie runner was charging hard to second. But always the wily veteran , "field marshal" was guiding "roadrunner" with precision instructions, like a skilled puppeteer operating his marionette. "He's coming in hard. Grab the ball. Now you have to tag him, so just swing around to your right and slap him with your glove", "field marshal" calmly advised. Roadrunner executed with laser-like precision. As she swung hard with her glove, she caught the base runner firmly in the groin causing him to squeal before falling to the ground and writhe in pain. "You're out!" , "roadrunner" shrieked as she stood astride him, arms akimbo. He slowly got to his feet. Dust had stuck to his face. He had abraded both his knees like chalk on a rough blackboard and blood was beginning to trickle from his wounds. There was a dull throbbing pain coming from his abdomen that was excruciating. He shambled off the field, slowly, as if each step was his first, embarrassed, bloodied, dirty and disgraced. Now it was the fun bunch's turn at bat. Bottom of the ninth down four runs. "Pound 'em back" got the party rolling with a double, then "roadrunner" continued her exemplary performance with a deep single. Rowena "score sheet" Sams beat out a single to load the bases and then "the wrangler" cleared them off with a double. Score now 14-13, a runner on second and "wild thing" strode to the plate. "Wild thing" had quietly turned in a masterful offensive game. As leadoff hitter, he had gone 4-for-4 and scored two runs. Now the tying run was on second. He spit in both hands, dug himself in at home plate, took three practice swings and then cast "field marshal" a playful wink and said "throw it in like a beach ball". He drilled the first pitch for a solid single to drive in "the wrangler" and tie the game. Looking proud as a peacock, he strutted to first base. Although the fun bunch couldn't manage the winning run, they put the loonies and the rest of the teams in the league on notice -- don't ever take the fun bunch for granted.
BASS LINE STATION SETS NEW LOW
Win-at-any-cost philosophy draws ire of Fun Bunch
OTTAWA - As Bass Line Station (BLS) filed onto the field, Steve "field marshal" Saunders thought for a moment he must be at the wrong diamond. Carefully scrutinizing each player he could recognize only one from their first encounter at the beginning of the season. Suddenly realizing that each player, both male and female, had a different ball team uniform on, he quickly figured out what was up and warned his team. "Watch out team. These guys are up to their usual shenanigans. Looks like they have assembled an all-star team of players. Be forewarned they are going to hit us hard and they are going to hit us often", "field marshal calmly advised his troops. After twenty-eight seasons in the league, "field marshal" had seen it all before, but this team looked different. Other teams had picked up ringers here and there, but this team looked like they just got off a triple-A bus in the parking lot. Young, fit and athletic, this team was assembled to annihilate the fun bunch and the rest of the teams in the league. To make matters worse, the Fun Bunch were missing four of their veterans including Scott "boom boom" Saunders, Clark "pound 'em back" Lawlor, John "Hans Solo" Devries, and Andrew "gazelle 2.0" Campbell all of whom decided to kick back and take the night off to leave their teammates to twist in the wind. Scrambling and working the phones, "field marshal" managed to scrounge up one additional player at the last minute--complements of Leah "roadrunner" Morrell. Mark "polygon" Pintar, a high-tech, video-game virtuoso agreed to come out and bolster the lineup after much arm-twisting and brow-beating by the "roadrunner". That left the fun bunch with a grand total of eight players. Four men and four women. Their worst turnout of the season couldn't have come at a worst time. As the home team, the fun bunch took to the field. With only four guys, that meant Richard "wild thing" bujold would have to play outfield. With a nagging shoulder injury leaving him unable to throw the ball overhand, it was a tough assignment. After the first three innings, however, the fun bunch were surprisingly in the lead 6-2. Mark "polygon" Pintar was playing centre field, and despite wearing artificial turf cleats, was doing an excellent job of tracking down every fly ball within a country mile of him. Even the BLS players were impressed. "Wow that guys covers a lot of real estate", Kathie "daredevil" Adare" overheard one of them saying as they headed to the outfield. Fun Bunch spirits were high, but "field marshal" knew this was only the calm before the storm. As if on queue, BLS ran off three five-run innings in a row. Balls were hammered to the outfield where they landed with laser-like precision. They had quickly realized that "wild thing" could not throw effectively and had targeted him with a non-stop barrage of hard liners. Clearly in over his head he was in effectively waving the white-flag of surrender. Under a "take no prisoners" order, BLS continued the onslaught. Glen "the wrangler" Rankin, had seen enough. "Let's move 'wild thing' to center field as they aren't hitting many balls there", he suggested in order to stem the bleeding. Next inning, with "wild thing" in centre field, the BLS barrage continued only this time directed at centre field, after a real-time ballistics adjustment. After the three five running innings, the fun bunch were looking dejected. They dragged themselves off the field slowly, shambling, with shoulders stooped. Steve "field marshal" Saunders surveyed the landscape. The fun bunch, barely a team of eight players, with one fielder who couldn't throw--at this point running on fumes. BSL, an enormous team of twelve players, handpicked from elite leagues around the city, younger, faster, stronger. This table needed levelling in a real hurry. "Look team, I know this isn't a fair fight but let's at least make sure we go down kicking and screaming. We're behind 12-6 right now but we've been down worse before. All we need is a five run inning to get back in this game, so let's try to keep the ball on the ground and not give them any easy outs", came "field marshal's" calm, soothing advice. The tranquilizing effect was immediate and palpable. Soon Leah "roadrunner" morrell, Alison "bulldozer" Hale , and Kathie "daredevil" Adare were aboard with Steve "downtown" Saunders striding to the plate. With no qualified back-up pitcher available, that left richard "wild thing" bujold to do the unthinkable and pitch to "downtown". "Focus wild thing, focus", came "downtown's" almost hypnotic voice. "focus" repeated "wildthing" slowly as if not comprehending the meaning. "That's right wild thing, now I want you to take a deep breath and throw it in like a beach ball", "downtown" continued. "Beach ball", wild thing repeated, as if in a trance. The first pitch came in. "Downtown" sized it up. It wasn't perfect but it would do. Bearing the weight of the entire team on his broad shoulders he swung his trusty 30 ounce demarini. He hit the ball so hard it made a loud popping noise like fireworks going off. The ball compressed and then jumped off the head of the bat like a rocket leaving its launch pad. Up, up, up, it continued. Over the infield, over the outfield, over the home run fence, over the off-leash dog park, over the bicycle path and finally landing on Island park drive, where it bounced off a rusty chevrolet cavalier leaving a deep crater in its hood. With that critical grand slam, the fun bunch were now back in the game 12-10. A huddle soon ensued at the BLS dugout. Whisperings could be heard. It seemed like someone was drawing a revised battle plan in the dirt with a stick. Soon heads were nodding in agreement. "uh-oh, I have a bad feeling about this", Alison "bulldozer" hale said under her breath as the fun bunch took to the outfield. Already caught with playing six guys on the field for the first two innings (when only five are allowed), BLS were not adverse to stretching the rules to their advantage and then pleading ignorance when caught red-handed. Their hitting picked up where it left off last inning as runners got on base at will. One base runner, however, tried to stretch a single into a double but was caught in the midsection, when "field marshal" applied a text-book tag on him on a toss from "polygon". The force of the tag so great the runner stumbled, tripped over the bag and tumbled in the dirt. Dropping the ball and trotting off the field, "field marshal" was shocked when the umpire called him "safe". His explanation: it wasn't a force play. "But I tagged him, he's out!", exclaimed "field marshal" shocked at the terrible call. Looking at the base runner, to overrule the umpire "field marshal" was met with only a blank stare. Clearly he wasn't going to admit that he was out. Now it was clear --this was BLS' "plan B". This continued for the rest of the game, with BLS calling their players safe time and time again when they were clearly out, padding their lead all the while. To make matters worse, whenever "field marshal" was on base (which was a lot, because he went 7 for 7), Glen "the wrangler" Rankin had to pitch to poor ol' "wild thing". Now if you thought "wild thing" was a sight to behold on the pitching mound, he looked like a cy young winner compared to "the wrangler". For some reason, despite being a gifted athlete, "the wrangler" simply could not manage to toss a ball in from the pitching mound for a strike. "the wrangler" seemed confounded. The first pitch rolled in the dirt before it reached home plate. The second pitch caught "wild thing" hard in the thigh making him wince. Taking a deep breath he knew he had his work cut out for him. The third pitch was the worst of the lot. You have to give "wild thing" credit for trying though. He leapt backwards (to avoid being hit again) and then chased the ball down the third base line. In a futile effort to make contact he jumped in the air and swung the bat but to no avail. Strike three and " the wrangler" had his first strike out. Despite the unsportsmanlike antics of BLS and their finely honed all-star team the fun bunch were doing their best to hang in there. "field marshal" hit another gargantuan home run to make the score 24-16 going into the top of the ninth. By this point everyone on the fun bunch was getting testy -- fed up with BLS' home-town calls to keep padding their lead. "Those guys aren't playing fair", Nancy "hit 'em out of the park" Harris said loud enough to be heard across the diamond as the fun bunch headed out to the field. Her words summed up the feelings of the entire team. Eight runs down, with only one inning to go, the fun bunch were going to do their darndest to win one for the good guys. The first batter up, hit a line drive to right field where "polygon" charged it hard and threw in one motion to "daredevil" to beat the base runner by a half step. "SAFE!", came the incorrect call by their umpire. "But she was out!", "daredevil" yelled back, fed up with their one-sided calls. The call remained and the runner remained at first base. "Daredevil" was seething mad now. They weren't playing fair and there was nothing they could do about it. The next batter hit a towering fly ball, and the runner at first took off. "Daredevil" back pedaled as she tried to track the ball against the black night sky. It drifted back and forth, buffeted by the wind, but she refused to take her eyes off it until it landed, plop, in her glove. The BLS base runner realized her mistake. Halfway to second, she started running back to first base only to see "daredevil" blocking her base path. "Daredevil", looking for payback, charged hard at the now frightened BLS base runner. As "daredevil" got within striking distance, she took the ball in her glove and spun around striking the base runner with all her might squarely in the cheek. The BLS base runner, stood for a brief moment as her skin split open like a ripe plum and blood squirted out. She then stumbled two steps backwards before collapsing on the ground in a cloud of dust. "Like I said - you're out!", "daredevil" added before she took the ball out of her glove and dropped it on the base runner's forehead before trotting off the field. So BLS managed to get only a single run in their half of the ninth inning. That left the score 25-16 with the fun bunch down 9 runs for the tie. Tough--but not impossible. First batter was team co-captain Alison "bulldozer" Hale. Looking to rally her troops she approached the batter's box. At that point the BLS catcher made a tactical error. "That runner was safe at first you know, you can't throw runners out at first from the outfield", she sassed. "Bulldozer" stopped walking and spun around to face her aggressor. Her eyes narrowed to slits. She clenched her teeth and her lips wrinkled back to reveal her gums. "IF YOU WANT TO PLAY IN THIS LEAGUE THEN LEARN THE $%^#$%^ RULES", "bulldozer" hissed at the now cowering catcher. With that she quickly composed herself, gave "field marshal" a playful wink and said "toss it in like a beach ball" whereupon she promptly drilled a hard liner for what looked like a perfect single. However, "bulldozer" was mad, fighting mad, so she rounded first and charged to second. At that point the outfielder threw the ball behind her to first. Quickly realizing her only play was to continue to second, she lowered her head and started running. Her feet motioned up and down like pistons straining under hard acceleration, she lowered her shoulder like a full-back and rapidly approached second base. As the ball was caught at second, "bulldozer" didn't flinch. She was going to stand up for her team right here and right now. She continued to accelerate, she lowered her shoulder a tad more. The second base man tried to apply a tag but the laws of physics weren't on her side. "Bulldozer" hit her square in the solar plexus with her shoulder. She tried t make a sound but nothing came out as all the air left her lungs involuntarily. She had a vague notion of flying-- like in a dream--as she sailed through the air. The ball popped loose on contact and rolled into the outfield. Unfortunately her dream-like adventure came to an abrupt end as she landed hard on the infield gravel. Sliding for what seemed like an eternity, she got a new appreciation for the term "road rash", as her entire leg from her thigh to her calf bubbled up and began oozing blood. As if to add insult to injury, "bulldozer" looked her square in the eye and said, "hey guess what?". Not waiting for an answer she completed her rhetorical question, "I'm safe moron" just as the first wave of excruciating pain washed over the injured player. The next batter, "polygon" drilled the first pitch up the middle to put two runners on with none out. That soon brought "downtown" to the plate. With two runners on, he knew what he had to do. Showing all the patience of a saint, he looked at "wild thing" on the pitching mound and proceeded to coach him. "Stay focussed wild thing. You've been doing great so far. Only one more pitch to go, then your job is done. Now take a deep breath and throw it in...", he was cut-off mid sentence. "Like a beach ball", wild thing finished. He then cast "downtown" a playful wink and the two of them began chuckling, sharing their inside joke. True to his word, "wild thing's" first pitch was a beauty. "Downtown" watched it sail in for what seemed like an eternity. In fact, he waited so long, that the BLS players began muttering and looking at each other confused and unsure as to what was unfolding. Then, at just the right time, "downtown" uncoiled like a trebuchet firing the ball like a projectile into the black abyss of hampton park forest. That brought the score to 25-19, leaving the fun bunch out of gas but not before putting BLS on notice that they would be looking for payback at the tournament.
FUN BUNCH BREAK OUT OF SLUMP
New recruits add some much needed youth to the lineup
OTTAWA - Taking a page out of Bass Line Station's playbook, the fun bunch were hardly recognizable as they strode on to the diamond on Thursday to face their arch nemesis the aquabats. With John "hans solo" Devries, Clark "pound 'em back" Lawlor, Glen "the wrangler" Rankin, Andrew "gazelle" Campbell, Rowena "scoresheet" Sams, Nancy "knock 'em out of the park" Harris, Kathie "daredevil" Adare and Patti "gazoo" Anderson all deciding to kick back and take the night off, that left their teammates (the few that were left) to twist in the wind. Luckily Leah "roadrunner" Morrell came to the rescue and rounded up a plethora of youthful recruits by game time. In addition to Mark "polygon" Pintar, Elliotte "fearless" Fernandes and Colin "vegas" Viegas were also conscripted from "roadrunner's" RA mixed lob ball team to shore up the fun bunch lineup. Making a rare appearance as well was self-proclaimed Scott "hawk" Saunders whose glove, bat and back-up pitching had been sorely missed. With only Alison "bulldozer" Hale, Chantal "rum runner" Bujold and Leah "roadrunner" Morrell the fun bunch women had their work cut out for them. In addition "roadrunner" was pinch running for "rum runner" and was pretty much on her feet for the whole game. Once again, the fun bunch started off slowly, with only one run through the first two innings to trail the aquabats 4 -1 . In the third inning, the team shifted slowly into second gear as they scored five runs without using a home run. The fun bunch new-look all-rookie outfield was causing the Aquabats all sorts of grief as "polygon", "fearless" and "vegas" combined to cover acres of real estate catching everything hit out of the infield. In the fourth inning, it was steve "downtown" saunders' turn to light up the Aquabats as he hammered a three-run shot over centre field to cash in "fearless" and "rum runner" as the fun bunch went on to score four runs and take a 10-7 lead. With the rookies in the outfield that left scott "hawk" saunders at second base and richard "wild thing" bujold as catcher--new positions for both players. In fact "wild thing" took advantage of the slow pace at home plate to multi-task and as he used his cell phone to check in on his job site while returning pitches. With his nokia flip-phone crammed into the crook of his neck, he jostled about home plate chasing down wild pitches, snagging incoming throws from the infield and returning the ball to the pitcher, all while shouting instructions at his work crew. Heading into the fifth inning the bases were loaded when (gulp) "downtown" once again strode to the plate. With "roadrunner", "vegas", and "fearless" all on base, "downtown" knew what he must do. First he cast the base runners a playful wink before instructing his little brother to "throw it in like a beach ball". With his first mighty swing, he caught only a piece of the ball and it foul tipped violently into the backstop, causing the structure to shake as if an earthquake had stuck. "I've never seen you do that before", snickered one of the aquabat infielders with sarcasm. Casting her a steely gaze that caused her to react like a shrinking violet, "downtown" quickly returned to the task at hand. "Now 'boom boom' that pitch was a little bit low. Let's try that again only a bit higher -- and like a beachball", "downtown" carefully instructed his little brother -- with the patience of a saint. As the second pitch sailed in -- perfectly -- "downtown" unloaded with all his colossal might. The ball made a loud popping noise, like a kernel of corn in a microwave oven, as all the air inside was forcefully ejected. The ball -- now completely deformed and unrecognizable -- continued to track upward into the night sky easily clearing the centre field fence and landing like a bean bag in the neighboring diamond. "Downtown" turned to the sarcastic aquabat infielder and said matter-of-factly "yeah, but you've seen me do that before", as he casually dropped his bat and made his slow trot around the bases. With another five runs under their belt, the fun bunch had taken a 15 - 8 lead. Comfortable but not quite out of reach. In fact, the fun bunch had one tough defensive inning where the aquabats scored five runs all with two outs. There were some missed shallow fly balls and several missed chances at first base as the aquabats got a second wind to close the gap to 17 - 13 at the end of the sixth. The fun bunch needed to answer with a big inning of their own and everyone in the dugout knew it. They had to atone for the errors in the sixth inning with some runs. Unfortunately, the first two batters went down in order. That left the fun bunch behind the eight ball with two out and the aquabats yet to have their turn at bat. "Listen you maggots. Time for a reality check. We are the fun bunch and your effort is unbecoming of this storied franchise. You just made a hard task even harder, but I want all of you to do what it takes to score five runs in this inning and win this ball game". Everyone stopped dead in their tracks and looked around confused and bewildered. These words didn't come from "field marshal" who also looked flabbergasted, but rather it was Leah "roadrunner" Morrell who was bellowing this diatribe as she stood arms akimbo atop the dugout bench. "My god they grow up so fast", "wild thing" whispered out of the corner of his mouth to "bulldozer" who nodded stealthily in agreement. Needing no further ado, "rum runner", "roadrunner", "vegas", "fearless" all got hits to score a couple of runs and leave runners on second and third. That brought "downtown" to the plate. His plan was to park the first pitch over centre field for a three run homer, but upon delivery, he realized that wasn't going to happen. The ball was going to be short and inside so he took three great strides and caught the ball squarely on the head of the bat as he followed through low to keep the trajectory down. That would score both runners, but "downtown" was charging to second before the ball was even picked up. Realizing he had time for a triple, he continued galloping around the bases never breaking stride. As he approached third, he took a quick glance over his shoulder and saw a fielder attempting to throw the ball to third. He knew immediately this was a race they weren't going to win as he shifted gears once more and accelerated into home as the ball rolled weakly to third for an in-the-park homer. At fifty-two years old, "downtown's" game had improved like a vintage wine. The aquabats were waving the white flag of surrender. They were no match for this team. The fun bunch now had youth, speed, power, maturity and leadership. They were up 22-13 and would add six more runs to win 28 -13 and let the league know that they were still a force to be reckoned with.
TRIPLE THREAT
Fun Bunch rack up three triples to squeak out their second win in a row
OTTAWA - The Fun Bunch had three triples last night. Nancy "knock 'em out of the park" Harris started things off when she crushed a ball into the gap that rolled all the way to the fence on a dry and hard outfield. Showcasing her newly honed running skills, she flew around the bases and seemed intent on an in-the-park home run but was asked to jam on the brakes by steve "field marshal" saunders from the pitching mound to avoid a close play at home. She begrudgingly obliged but cast him a menacing glance to express her displeasure. In fact "knock 'em out of the park", was the first star of the game as she went five for five , scored a run and drove in three runs to cap her night off. Rising to the challenge, Leah "roadrunner" Morrel smacked a hard liner as well that was misplayed by the outfield, and rolled all the way to the fence. Digging in, she cruised around the bases for a stand-up triple. Not to be out-done, Andrew "the gazelle" Campbell drilled a pitch over the head of yet another outfielder and came two thirds of the way home before trotting back to third for the third triple of the game. That was the good news. The bad news was that the Fun Bunch offense sputtered and had trouble cashing in runners, stranding many potential runs all night long. In addition they hit into three double plays, all of them extinguishing rallies, sapping momentum and leaving runners on base. Defense was stellar however. Both Andrew "the gazelle" Campbell and Elliotte "fearless" Fernandes made some spectacular catches on difficult plays, robbing the Rebels of extra base hits and keeping them to only four runs scored til the top of the eighth inning. Taylor "the terror" Albert, showed up two innings into the game (she had gone to the wrong diamond) and went to bat almost immediately. She crushed the first pitch into the gap and began racing around the bases easily reaching second base. Looking to join the night's "triple club", she didn't stop there, but turned the corner and headed for third. About half way there, she had a change of heart as she realized that she was going to be tagged out so she attempted to reverse gears. Sporting only a pair of tennis shoes, she quickly found out that "no tread" means "no traction", as she landed in a heap, stirring up a cloud of dust that completely enveloped her bright neon yellow baseball jacket. Stuck in no-man's land, she attempted to crawl on her elbows back to second base but was tagged out by the rebel's second base man. Not to be deterred, she returned to the dugout and hastily borrowed a pair of cleats just in time to make two spectacular catches in the outfield in the next inning. With six guys on the roster tonight, steve "field marshal" saunders, platooned the older guys in the infield and left the "youngsters" to play the whole game in the outfield. Steve "downtown" Saunders, Scott "boom boom" Saunders and Richard "wild thing" Bujold shared shortstop and second base duties all night long. "Listen, I wanted to let the youngsters get some more innings under their belt. I've seen plenty of action in my decades as the go-to shut-down shortstop of this storied franchise, so I thought it wouldn't hurt to let the kids play. Plus I couldn't very well bench "wild thing" for the whole game--although the thought crossed my mind", steve "field marshal" saunders said as he explained his strategy. That platoon strategy lead to a couple of entertaining moments, as the nascent second base men--Scott "boom boom" Saunders and Richard "wild thing" Bujold -- struggled to keep up with the standard set by the gold-glove, future hall-of-fame steve "field marshal" saunders. First there was the hard grounder fielded smoothly by "field marshal" who made a syrupy smooth hard toss into "wild things" glove as he stood planted on second base. The ball landed hard in the palm of "wild things" dusty glove, but before he could ensnare the projectile, it bounced out, careened of his forehead and landed on the ground behind his back. For what seemed like an eternity, "wild thing" frantically searched for the ball, kicking it farther and farther away with every futile turn of his body, as "field marshal" could only watch in horror as the base runner slowly waddled safely into second while "wild thing" continued to kick up plumes of dust. On another play, a hard grounder was hit towards second base for a tailor-made double play. "field marshal" quickly pounced on the grounder, but with wisdom beyond his years, quickly realized that the only chance they had at the double play would be if "boom boom" playing second, grabbed the ball, touched the base, and threw to first. "You take this", he instructed "boom boom" as he backed off the play. The crystal-clear advice seemed to confound "boom boom" who stumbled and stutter-stepped, unable to make the simple play leaving the Rebels with runners on first and second and none out. "Chalk it up to inexperience", Leah "roadrunner" Morrel consoled "field marshal" as he returned to his shortstop position. Unable to string together consecutive hits, the fun bunch finally hit their stride in the fifth, where they finally scored five runs to give themselves a bit of breathing room 9-3. For the first time this year, the fun bunch (and particularly the "bash brothers") were unable to hit a single home run. "It wasn't for lack of trying", noted league home run leader steve "downtown" saunders. "Sometimes, things just don't go your way. And remember, you have to have good pitching to hit a home run. It's not like me to throw anyone under the bus, but clearly my little brother was struggling a bit on the mound tonight. That comes part and parcel with missing so many games during the season, but hey I'm not going to mention any names", he continued. The game got a little more interesting when the rebels scored five runs of their own in the eighth inning. With "field marshal" sitting in the bleachers that inning, he could only wring his hands in disbelief as he watched the defense come unglued without his steady hand on the tiller. Things took a wrong turn when a seemingly innocuous throw from the outfield came in to "wild thing" playing second base. At the last minute, he put his glove in front of his eyes and cowered allowing the ball to sail out of play allowing all the base runners to advance. "this isn't going to end well", thought alison "bulldozer" hale as she watched the sordid play unfold from the relatively safety of home plate. As if on queue the next batter smashed a grand slam home run allowing the rebels to score five runs and narrow the game to 13-9 heading into the ninth inning. After a leadoff double by "wild thing" in the ninth, the fun bunch continued with their batting woes as three of the next four batters grounded out allowing the fun bunch to score only a single run. The rebels hit a three run shot with two out to close the gap to 14-12, but that was as close as they got as the next batter popped out.
PLETHORA OF PLAYERS
Biggest turnout of the season portends victory over athletics
OTTAWA - The fun bunch stuffed the dugout with twelve players on Wednesday night to take on the always tough Athletics at Hampton Park. Heck even the reclusive Patti "gazoo" Anderson, Clark "pound 'em back" Lawlor and John "solo" Devries were there. In fact, "pound 'em back" had no sooner returned from the cottage from an extended holiday, where he had been pounding back pints on the dock, when he pounded the first pitch over the left field fence for a disappointing solo shot. Looking pleased with himself, he giddily clicked his heels and flitted around the bases. That was until he rounded third and ran directly into steve "field marshal" saunders blocking his base path. "what do you think you're doing?", "field marshal" calmly asked as "pound 'em back" picked himself up slowly off the ground. "Pound 'em back's" smug look of self-satisfaction evaporated in an instant. He lowered his eyes like a scolded puppy. He knew that he had put himself before the team and felt ashamed. Averting "field marshal's" steely glare, he quickly slunk off the field and into the dugout where john "Methuselah" devries continued to tear a strip off him . "What in tarnation is up with you young whippersnappers these days", he wheezed in a high pitch voice as everyone rolled their eyes and prepared for his "back in my day" lecture that was to follow. In the next inning, with rowena "scoresheet" sams aboard, "field marshal" took the first pitch deep for a two run shot to make the score 3-1 and pad the fun bunch lead. Richard "wild thing" Bujold was playing second base due to his ongoing shoulder injury. With "wild thing" fielding grounders however, there was never a dull moment, as even routine plays became nail-biting, white knuckle affairs. True to form a ball was hit to "wild thing", deep in the hole. "field marshal" moved over to cover 2nd base, as the runner advanced. What should have been a quick bang-bang double play , instead unfolded like a slow-motion horror show. "wild thing" charged the ball and tripped as he did so. He stumbled for several steps before recovering awkwardly. He attempted to field the ball and it bounced off the heel of his glove into the air. Mesmerized, both teams watched stunned as the charade continued to play out with "wild thing" now juggling the ball like a seasoned circus performer. With the runner rapidly approaching the bag, "wild thing" finally got control and with a deft flick of his glove sent the ball perfectly to "field marshal" for the out. "well I'm not sure that's the way they teach it in training camp, but he managed to get the job done", chuckled glen "the wrangler" rankin to his outfield comrades as they all guffawed once more at "wild thing's" playful hijinks. In the bottom of the fifth inning the score was tied 4-4, but the fun bunch rallied. Hits by Taylor "the terror" Albert, Patti "gazoo" Anderson, Richard "wild thing" Bujold and Glen "the wrangler" Rankin, had generated a run and brought scott "boom boom" saunders to the plate. Looking to atone for his woeful attendance this season, he settled into the batter's box and glanced towards his big brother steve "field marshal" saunders on the pitching mound for further instructions. Scowling, "field marshal" reluctantly gave him the "green light" sign and proceeded to "toss one in like a beach ball". "boom boom's" eyes lit up like saucers as he licked his chops and unloaded on the hapless softball. While not in the same league as one of his brother's legendary homers, it was big nonetheless as it easily cleared the fence and scored four runs for a grand salami to make the score 9-4. As "boom boom" rounded the bases he looked in and tipped his cap to his brother in a "thanks for patiently teaching me how to do that" gesture of gratitude. In one of their final games to prepare for the season ending tournament, there were a few hiccups along the way. John "hans solo" Devries and Clark "pound-em-back" Lawlor--in a keystones cop moment---let an easy fly ball drop between them as both stopped running and looked at each other to make the play. There were also some defensive highlights with leah "road runner" morrel snagging a grounder at third and making a perfect throw to first for an out. Not to be outdone glen "the wrangler" rankin, chased after a line drive to the outfield and made a great throw to third for a tag play out. With all three home runs used up, steve "downtown" saunders came to bat. Keeping it in the park didn't come naturally to "downtown" but he would have to do his best. Choking up on the bat so that he was almost holding the far end of the barrel, he waited patiently for a pitch that he could pull down the line. His patience was rewarded and he knew as soon as he hit it that this was going to be a dandy. He galloped around the bases like a thoroughbred, digging up clouds of dust as stone chips spit out like shrapnel in his wake. He made it easily into third for a stand-up-triple to lead off. At that point, there seemed to be some discussion at home plate as "hans solo" wasn't sure the ball landed in fair territory. With the Athletics kicking up a stink, "hans solo" robbed "downtown" of his triple and made him go back to the plate. Incensed--and exhausted--"downtown" returned to the scene of the crime. He took a deep breath, choked up on the bat once more, looked out to the pitching mound and asked his little brother to "toss one in like a beach ball". Displaying the skill of a surgeon, he drilled the ball deep into the corner down the first base line all the way to the fence again. Immediately, he began accelerating and rounding the bases at break neck speed. There would be no stopping at third this time. Seemingly defying the laws of physics, he rounded the bases with nary a glance into the outfield. This was going to be an in-the-park-homerun without question. In fact, he briefly thought about running around the bases twice he had so much time, but left it at a triple and in-the-park home run in the same at bat. Fun Bunch win 17-8 and look to be in good shape for the tournament.
RAINED OUT
Last game of the season ends in torrential downpour before the first inning
OTTAWA - In their last regular season game before the tournament, the fun bunch showed up at Bell diamond optimistically hoping to get a few innings of tune-up in despite the dark purple, threatening clouds surrounding the diamond. Displaying their now legendary inability to field a team on time, they forced Stop Hitting on Us to wait until 6:30 before enough players showed up play a game. However, no sooner did both teams agree to start the game, when the skies opened up and released a torrent of rain. Quickly agreeing that the monsoon wasn't going to end any time soon, both teams quickly packed up and the fun bunch re-convened at whispers to plan their tournament strategy.
FUNBUNCH WIN CONVINCINGLY
Team puts on an offensive onslaught only to be matched by their air-tight defense
OTTAWA - What a way to start the tournament as the fun bunch downed stop hitting on us 20-10. Especially impressive was the hitting of the fun bunch women who hit clutch hit after clutch hit all game long to get on base, drive in runs and keep rallies alive. Leading the pack was Nancy "triple threat" Harris who was promoted to lead-off hitter when Taylor "I'll be there" Albert failed to show up. "Triple threat" rose to the occasion as she went 4-for-five and hit the ball hard all game long. "Honestly it was a text-book game", said Glen "the wrangler" Rankin in astonishment at the play of his teammates. "I don't think we had an error all game". Unlike stop hitting on us, who despite loading their team up for the tournament had abysmal pitching and many errors at first, third, and just about everywhere. Before the game, steve "field marshal" saunders filed his 99-point game plan of "must-do" advice and the team followed it to a tee including running aggressively to second, running through first base, and not wasting solo home runs. The only fly in the ointment occurred when Taylor "party-hearty" Albert was out the night before "getting prepared" for the tournament til 3:15 am, only to sleep through her alarm clock and miss the first game. "field marshal" was not impressed when she showed up--a little woozy--in the last inning. "Let me guess, you went to the wrong diamond?", he said sarcastically. "No sir, I was being insubordinate, but I promise it won't happen again sir!", she replied standing ramrod straight and looking him firmly in the eye. Field marshal was impressed with her attitude and let her off with just a reprimand and 100 push ups. The fun bunch scored 4 in the first inning to set the tone and then two back-to-back five run innings in the third and fourth capped by a three run shot by steve "downtown" saunders but it was a full team effort as everyone got a hit in those two innings. There was a light-hearted moment when scott "boom boom" saunders, did his best impression of richard "wild thing" bujold when a hard grounder hit to him at short careened off both ankles and then his nose, resembling a pinball in an arcade game, but he soon settled it down on the fourth or fifth bounce to throw out the runner as everyone had a chuckle at his shenanigans. Next up -- the Athletics (known to stack their team) at 11 am. "The competition only gets tougher from here on in", said "wild thing" still trying to figure out how "boom boom" made the pinball play.
Athletics vs Fun Bunch 11:30 Carlington
FUN BUNCH LOSE BY ONE RUN
Team drops heartbreaker with tying run on third base
OTTAWA- The magic from the first game had all but worn off by the time the second game got underway. The clutch hitting the team displayed in the first game evaporated as the fun bunch managed to score only two runs by the top of the fourth inning and fall behind 6-2. But the team rallied in the fourth and scored five runs, including a three run shot by Andrew "gazelle" Campbell --his second of the game and accounting for five of the teams seven runs. But pop-ups and three-up-three-down innings were the order of the day, as they simply could not get a sustained rally going after that inning. Further compounding the problem was the plethora of errors committed by the defense: balls thrown into the dugout, dropped balls at first, missed grounders, mis-judged flyballs--you name it. "It was a very uncharacteristic game for us that is for sure", remarked richard "wild thing" bujold as he puzzled over the teams misfortunes. "Clearly we were a bit nervous--this is a game we should have won handily". With the score 12-9 heading into the bottom of the last inning, once again steve "downtown" saunders, was stuck leading off the inning. "Look, unlike some other players on the team--I refuse to hit a lead-off home run unless it is to tie or win the game", he stated matter-of-factly. And with that he drilled the first pitch deep into the corner and flew around the bases like a stampeding wildebeest to get a leadoff triple. He easily came in to score on the next play as the athletics short stop foolishly tried to pick him off third on a tag play as "downtown.", stutter-stepped towards the commit line to give his base runner some breathing room. The ball was ultimately thrown away at first and "downtown", sauntered home. The fun bunch were now down by only one run. After the next two runners went out, Alison "bulldozer" hale game to bat and got on board. The next batter was Scott "boom boom" Saunders, and the team was one pitch away from tying the game. "Boom Boom" hit it off the outfield fence to score "bulldozer", but himself was stuck at third. So with two out and the tying run at third, the fun bunch were unable to cash in the tying run as the next batter was out at first to even their record to 1-1. There were some outstanding plays in the game. Richard "wild thing" Bujold, relegated to the bottom of the batting order, kept a stiff upper lip and got two clutch doubles in his two at bats to continue his stellar hitting going 6-for-6 so far in the tournament. Mark "polygon" Pintar picked up a ball in right field and threw it hard in to steve "field marshal" saunders. Realizing the Athletics base runner was greedily charging for home, he threw a strike to home plate, momentarily lifting rowena "scoresheet" sams off her feet for the force out at home. Nancy "triple threat" Harris, the team's newly-minted third baseman, showed she had a couple of tricks up here sleeve when she snagged a hard line drive at the hot corner for an out. But the best play of the game was a text book run down by "boom boom", "daredevil" and "field marshal". With a hit to the outfield , the Athletics runner decided to charge hard for second. But the ball came in quickly to "boom boom" who caught her hung out to dry between bases. As he chased her back to first, he realized he couldn't catch her, so he tossed the ball to "daredevil", who resumed the relay back to second. But this was no ordinary base runner, she was fast and slick and wasn't going to go down without a fight. This is where "field marshal" decided to join the fray as he charged hard from short to cover second. "Daredevil" relayed the ball to "field marshal", who's eyes lit up like a cat in a room full of yarn. This was not going to end well for the Athletics. He seized the ball and accelerated towards the base runner. She jammed on the breaks and for a brief second looked horrified as she realized what was about to happen. She started charging hard back to first but could hear "field marshal's" cleats digging up with base path like a jack hammer. She then heard his raspy breathing as he continued gaining on her. Helpless, she tried to make it back to first as she began to regret her hasty decision. "Field marshal" caught her and you could hear the loud slap of his leather glove as he delivered his tag squarely between her shoulder blades. All the air was immediately expelled from her lungs and she fell in the dirt. As she fell she abraded both knees, her wrist and the tip of her nose, like chalk on a rough blackboard. She got up, dirty, bleeding, and ashamed and trudged back to the dugout, afraid to look her teammates in the eyes.
Dog's Bollocks vs Fun Bunch 2:00 Hampton
FUN BUNCH WIN AGAIN
triple play, three home runs overpower dog's bollocks
OTTAWA - The fun bunch improved their record to 2-1 in the tournament by beating the dog's bollocks 13-8. Aiding their cause was a rare triple play turned in the 1st inning by steve "field marshal" saunders. With runners on first and second, "field marshal" quickly sized up the situation and moved in to straddle the base line. "just hit me a hard grounder and I'll do the rest", he thought to himself as he got into his defensive posture. His prayers were quickly answered as the first pitch was hit directly to him. The play then unfolded as if in slow motion. Taking a knee, "field marshal" blocked the ball with his chest resembling a page out of a how-to-play-baseball textbook. Trapping the ball he charged the runner heading to third and tagged her smartly on the thigh, taking her legs out from under her and causing her to careen into the dirt--one down. Without even pausing for a breath, he continued charging hard to second, where his little brother scott "boom boom" saunders stood eagerly awaiting the force play toss, that was not going to be forthcoming. "I got this", "field marshal" screamed as his eyes narrowed to slits and he planted his foot heavily on the bag--two out. "boom boom" stood down immediately and backed out of the way, fortunate to have a perfect vantage point to watch the rarest of baseball plays unfold with awe. With impeccable timing, "field marshal" then pivoted and threw an absolute laser beam to first base, beating the hapless base runner who had barely cleared the batter's box and causing a plume of dust to kick up from kathie "daredevil" adare's glove as she winced in pain from the sheer velocity of the throw--three out. At the completion of the play, his teammates, the other team, the fans in the stands, the kids playing basketball, the teams in the far diamonds, an older gentleman walking his golden retriever, and two toddlers in the playground all broke into a spontaneous roar. With typical humility, "field marshal" acknowledged the crowd by tipping his cap as he charged off the field eager to now help his team offensively. In the second inning one of the dog's bollocks players hit a hard liner to center field that came down and hit the high part of the fence hard. The base runner was charging hard around the diamond, looking for a triple or perhaps an in-the-park home run, but the ball lodged firmly between the post and the fence. Both Andrew "gazelle" Campbell and Mark "polygon" Pintar struggled for what seemed like an eternity to remove the ball, but it was richard "wild thing" bujold who came to the team's rescue when he shimmied up the fence like a spider and dangling by one arm popped the ball loose with his mighty bicep. The umpire ruled the odd play a "ground rule double" causing the disgruntled base runner to head back to second where he failed to score that inning. In another fortuitous play, the dog's bollocks had two base runners aboard first and second, when the next batter hit a deep ball to left field. Glen "the wrangler" Rankin took off immediately to charge the ball that dropped in the gap and rolled all the way to the fence. The runner on first base was now in full flight and the third base coach was wind-milling their arm frantically waving them home. Realizing what was happening, "field marshal" charged out into the field to cut off the throw that was perfectly on line from "the wrangler". In one smooth motion, "field marshal" grabbed the ball turned and threw to home plate without nary a glance at the base runner--time was of the essence after all. Standing--like a pit bull--at home plate was Alison "bulldozer" Hale. She saw the ball coming in hot--but did not falter. Instead she braced herself by squatting down and shifting her weight forward. She said a quick hail mary, and prepared herself mentally for what she knew would be the searing pain to come--like a white hot poker. Then she opened her glove and did her best to track the incoming projectile. The ball was perfectly thrown and hit her squarely in the center of her glove. She winced and let out a small yelp, but squeezed her glove to trap the ball just as the base runner was about to land on home plate. "Yer out", screamed the home plate umpire, ending the inning on a magnificent three-way relay. While still struggling a little with consecutive hits, the fun bunch did manage to hammer all three of their home runs over the fence for the first time in the tournament. First scott "boom boom" saunders crunched a moon shot with two runner aboard for three runs. In the sixth inning with only one runner aboard Andrew "the gazelle" campbell came to bat. With the score close and looking for some breathing room, "field marshal" gave "the gazelle" the "thumbs up" sign allowing him to park the first pitch for a two run shot. Still in the sixth inning, with "bulldozer" on first base, "field marshal" strode to the plate. With only one inning to go, and some further insurance required he made an executive decision to use up the last home run--despite their being only one runner aboard. He then proceeded to direct the pitcher--"boom boom"--on how proceed. "Ok boom boom, remember last at bat where you jammed me inside and I hit it off the handle for a ground rule double? This time I want it over the fat part of the plate. I'm going to be patient because this is important, so take your time and do it right. Oh yeah -- and throw it in like a beach ball". "boom boom" nodded his head as he acknowledged the game plan. True to form, the first pitch was a juicy 'tater that floated in like a butterfly. "field marshal" licked his chops as he dug in. He smashed up on the ball like tiger woods in a long drive competition. It was gone before he even made contact. That made the score 13-8 to end the sixth inning. With only one inning to go, the unthinkable happened. "field marshal" addressed his teammates in the dugout. "Team, I have to leave. All you have to do is shut them down in the top of the seventh and the game is over". His teammates were crestfallen. A pall settled over the dugout. Without his firm hand on the tiller, steadying the ship through the rough waters of the seventh inning, how could they possible stay off the shoals? "Look team, you are the fun bunch. I know you can do this. So everyone dig in and win this inning for me", he calmly advised. Those words seemed to immediately soothe his teammates frayed nerves as they trotted out onto the diamond eager to preserve the win for their leader, mentor and father figure. Nervously playing short for the first time this tournament was "the wrangler" aware of the immense shoes he was being asked to fill. But like a true warrior, he fielded the first ground ball for an out. Next "polygon" snagged a fly ball for the second out. The third out was a pop fly to taylor "the terror" albert who snapped her glove shut for the third out as she jumped up and shouted "this one's for you 'field mashal' !" as the fun bunch polished off the dog's bollocks in order.
FUN BUNCH MERCIED BY BASELINE STATION
Fun Bunch lose one-sided affair to least liked team in the league
OTTAWA - steve "field marshal" knew the odds were low that they would beat baseline station, but ever the optimist, he felt if everything went their way the would have an outside chance of beating "the team that fun forgot" --after all they had beaten them in the first game of the season. Those odds plummeted when the umpire ordered them to take the field and andrew "gazelle" campbell and taylor "the terror" albert were nowhere to be seen. Frantically, scanning his cell phone for any sort of notification to no avail, "field marshal" was steaming mad. This was the biggest game of the tournament, and his two young stars had decided to kick back and take a lazy sunday morning off leaving their teammates to twist in the win. "Ok gang", he addressed his crestfallen comrades, "we're going to have to shorten the bench for this game as we're down a couple of players. Their grins evaporated and their shoulders slumped. "Aye Aye captain", they said half-heartedly as they trudged onto the field into what was to be most certain death. Baseline station meanwhile had once again fielded an elite team of young, experienced, hard-core softball players with nary a weakness in their line up. They proceeded to slice-and-dice the fun bunch like a stalk of celery scoring 4-2-4-4-5 runs in the first five innings to mercy the fun bunch 19-6. The fun bunch fought back as best they could but could not catch a break. There were some great hits by Nancy "triple threat" Harris, Patti "gazoo" Anderson, Alison "bulldozer" Hale and Kathie "daredevil" Adare, but all were caught by baseline station. Glen "the wrangler" rankin almost made a spectacular play when he dove for a sinking liner, that he at first snagged in his glove, but it popped loose when he barrel-rolled in the dirt. The fun bunch in fact had trouble mounting any sort of sustained rally with four of their six runs coming off two dingers by steve "downtown" saunders. Still in the game 10-6 in the top of the fourth inning, the fun bunch needed to get some runners on base. Sadly they went down in order with three easy pop ups while base line station hammered two home runs to score four runs and take a commanding 14-6 lead. Scoring 5 runs in the next inning, they mercied the fun bunch 19-6
Fun Bunch vs Rebels 1:45 Carlington
FUNBUNCH ADVANCE TO B FINALS
Team digs deep to beat rebels by two runs
OTTAWA- Entering their last game of the tournament, the fun bunch were sporting a paltry 2-2 record and were in danger of getting relegated to the "C" division. The erstwhile toast-of-the-league fun bunch, had floundered in the tournament and were now looking to salvage their dignity with a much needed win over the rough-and-tumble rebels. The rebels however, had been roughed up in the tournament as well and so were looking for retribution. The rebels were a feisty lot and they earned their nickname the honest way. Always sporting fresh "ink", and with studs, rings, and chains garnishing their plethora of body piercings, they could easily be mistaken for a troupe of circus carnies. Games against them were always a spirited affair, filled with profanity laced tirades as they guzzled ice-cold tallboys from their cavalcade of coolers, and chain-smoked spliffs of boo boo bama, enveloping their dugout in tell-tale blue-grey acrid smoke. But this time they seemed a little more focussed. Their pride--what little they had--was on the line too and they were not about to go down without a fight. By the time the fun bunch arrived at the diamond, there was already a pile of crunched up beer cans and a large plume of smoke over their dugout that was just beginning to dissipate. "They must have had a team meeting", whispered richard "wild thing" bujold out of the corner of his mouth not wishing to raise their ire. In the first inning the rebels scored four runs, while all the fun bunch could muster was two. By the top of the sixth inning, the score was 7-4 for the rebels and the fun bunch were in danger of losing a game they should win handily. Unable to turn back the cruel hands of time, the fun bunch were showing their age. Exhaustion had begun to set in, and the usual timely clutch hits were not forthcoming as base runners were getting stranded on base. At the top of the sixth inning, steve "field marshal" saunders gathered his subordinates. "wild thing" cringed like a scolded puppy as he entered the dugout, knowing all too well what was to follow. "field marshal" wasted no time as he tore a strip off his teammates, working his way methodically through the batting order. The diatribe lasted even longer than usual, and a couple of players had to ask "field marshal" to pause briefly so they could get a sip of water to stave off dehydration. The invective ended with field marshal bellowing, "now get out there and get me five runs!". Once again, the team rose to the occasion. Despite their age, exhaustion, injuries and fatigue the team buckled down and turned the tides. Key hits by scott "boom boom" saunders, glen "the wrangler" rankin and kathie "daredevil" adare brought steve "downtown" saunders to the plate. With the weight of the entire team once more placed squarely on his broad shoulders, he strode to the plate. He looked up briefly at the sky. "What a beautiful day", he thought to himself--for a moment free of pain and exhaustion and instead filled only with exhilaration. He closed his eyes and envisioned what must happen next. Now at peace, he calmly dug himself into the batter's box. With some concern, the rebel fielders quickly ran as far as they could and pressed their backs up against the home run fence. Clearly they were worried. "downtown" calmly spoke to his brother "boom boom" on the pitching mound. "Ok 'boom boom', this is a pretty important pitch right here. I think by now you know how I like it, but just to be sure I'm going to tell you again", he said almost hypnotically. "just lob it in here nice and easy--like a beach ball". "boom boom" new the drill. As he looked out at the rebel fielders, he could see that sweat was now clearly beading off their faces, running down their shirts and staining their armpits. Like a deer caught in the headlights of an oncoming truck, they were terrified but helpless to prevent their imminent demise. "boom boom" tossed in a beauty. "downtown" unloaded his mighty bat with such force that it bent in half, but not before the ball sailed out of the park and rolled halfway up carlington hill. The fun bunch added another run for five--as demanded by "field marshal" and now held a 9-7 lead. But oh those pesky rebels would not stay down. Despite the enormous amount of alcohol and cannabis that they had consumed they were still going strong as they scored two more runs to tie the fun bunch 9-9 going into the seventh and final inning. With their last shot at glory, the fun bunch came to bat. Mark "polygon" pintar could a double. Patti "gazoo" anderson got a single and "polygon" scooted to third. Scott "boom boom" saunders came to bat and crushed a triple to score "gazoo" and "polygon", but was stranded at third base. With the score 11-9 for the fun bunch, glen "the wrangler" rankin, put on a fielding display extraordinaire as he robbed the rebels of a game winning hit as he sprinted to the warning track and climbed the ladder to pull in a ball destined for a home run with a brilliant over-the-shoulder catch. Fun bunch win 11-9 and advance to B finals against the dogs bollocks.
Fun Bunch vs Dog's Bollocks 3:00 Carlington
FUNBUNCH FIZZLE OUT
Bats go silent as fun bunch lose for second year in a row to dog's bollocks in B final
OTTAWA - Facing the Dog's Bollocks in the B final for the second year in a row, the fun bunch were feeling good about their chances. They had, after all, beat them 13-8 in the round robin on Saturday, so clearly they had the capability to win this all-important game. Sadly, however, the fun bunch team of Sunday was a very different team from the fun bunch team of Saturday. Age had finally caught up to them it seemed. A wild night at the team party hammering back whiskey didn't help either. Compounding the situation was the sudden and perplexing evaporation of their youthful duo who were conscripted specifically to prevent this type of situation. Andrew "gazelle" Campbell and Taylor "the terror" Albert simply vanished. Stranding their teammates without notice in the first game, they failed to show up for the second and third games too. That left a team of quintagenarians, and mark "polygon" pintar as their sole youthful player. "thank god for 'polygon' ", harrumphed richard "wild thing" bujold, still sporting his pizza stained baseball jersey from the team party. Despite missing their two young stars, and feeling the ravages of time, the fun bunch played with spunky verve and managed to keep the game close--behind only two runs 12-10 going into the seventh and final inning. Aiding the team immensely, was the brief respite between games, when stalwart fans, Teresa "I don't play baseball" McGovern, Nathalie "I don't play baseball either" Boucher and Isabelle "I'd love to play baseball" Rankin, walked on to the field singing "happy birthday" and carrying a tray full of cupcakes for steve "field marshal" saunders' big day. Momentarily getting choked up, he wiped away a tear before snapping, "everyone take a cupcake and then get back on the field--we have a game to win". With the soothing warmth of chocolate in their bellies, the fun bunch felt rejuvenated. "Heck this is better than advil", chuckled Richard "wild thing" Bujold in a lighter moment on the field. "Downtown" had smashed a grand slam homer in the first inning, and "boom boom" had a hit a solo shot (with his big brother's permission) in the sixth. In the top of the seventh, the dogs bollock's added four more to make a tough task even tougher as the fun bunch now trailed 16-10. Richard "wild thing" bujold got aboard but was forced out on "bulldozer's" fielder's choice. Running out of options, "downtown" cranked the team's last home run ball over the fence to make the score 16-12. "polygon" got a hit as did Nancy "triple threat" Harris, but both base runners were once again stranded on base as the fun bunch simply could not extend the rally. "I will sit down with team management and we will discuss how this team built for success, unravelled in the playoffs. Players will be held accountable", were "field marshal's" final words as the team trudged off the diamond.