FUN BUNCH LOSE UGLY
Team sinks to new low in rout by lowly Stop Hitting On Us
OTTAWA-Just when you think things couldn't possibly get much worse they did. Abandoned by their teammates, the remaining Fun Bunch stalwarts fielded a meagre team of four men and five women to start the game but lost Paris "pop star" Patricelli in the first at-bat when she pulled her quad muscle and had to be helped off the field. That left a spartan defense of three guys in the outfield including neophyte right fielder Bill "twinkle toes" Ranson and recovering John "Hans Solo" Devries to do the heavy lifting. With Glen "the wrangler" Rankin injured and unable to throw without pain from the outfield he traded spots with Steve "field marshal" Saunders to anchor the infield at short. With Paris quickly out of commission, that left poor Patty "gazoo" Anderson, press-ganged into service at third base--despite her loud and vehement objections--by Steve "field marshal" Saunders. "Get in there and take your medicine like a man", "field marshal" barked at the visibly shaken "gazoo" who nervously tip toed to the edge of the infield and peered through her glove as she raised it over her face , forming an ersatz protective barrier for her teeth. In a shameful showing of camaraderie, the team was missing five team members including four guys and team captain Alison "bulldozer" Hale who mysteriously "opted out" of the game, leaving her teammates to twist in the wind. Also absent was Scott "awol" Saunders who choose an ill-timed vacation at the expense of his temmates, Martin "the gazelle" Desjardins, Paolo "no reply" Daros--who failed to tell anyone if he was going to show up or not, and poor Richard "blue bomber" Bujold -- left abandoned once again in Winnipeg. With the massive Bell diamond outfield barely covered by three fielders, and only one guy to play the infield, the stars aligned early for a massive blowout. Compounding the Fun Bunch defensive woes, Stop Hitting on Us had clearly gone on a massive recruitment drive and fielded five quality women who could both hit and play defense. In fact, two of the women, hit the ball over Fun Bunch out fielders' heads for easy triples. The onslaught started immediately and never abated. The Fun Bunch were spared a complete and utter embarrassment only by the fielding of Glen "the wrangler" Rankin, John "Hans Solo" Devries and Bill "twinkle toes" Ranson, all of whom made a plethora of spectacular catches to mercifully end several innings. There were no easy ground balls, or pop ups. The rejuvenated Stop Hitting on Us, smelled blood right from the get go and refused to take their metaphorical foot off the throat of the Fun Bunch as they hammered hit after hit into the outfield right up til the final inning. Sensing despair set in as the Fun Bunch fell behind 20-10, after yet another five run inning by Stop Hitting on Us, Steve "field marshal" Saunders did his best to rally the troops. "Look - we still have three innings to go -- and remember the ninth inning is unlimited", he barked at his crestfallen teammates. But the team struggled offensively as they broke in two new back-up pitchers, Glen "behind the back" Rankin and Bill "low and away" Ranson, causing batters to chase questionable pitches and further compounding their offensive woes. There were some highlights mind you. Rowena "score sheet" Sams went five for seven and scored three runs, managing to get on base in front of Steve "downtown" Saunders most innings and give him a chance to drive in some runs. John "Hans Solo" had a key hit in the eighth when he got on base with a double to drive in a couple of runs after struggling earlier on. Adding some comedy to a relatively dismal affair, Steve "downtown" Saunders chased a high and outside fastball from "the wrangler" and hit a hard single directly at the Stop Hitting on Us Center Fielder. In a scene reminiscent of Bill Buckner's famous blooper in the world series, the hard charging fielder overran the ball which promptly rolled to the fence. Never letting up for a moment, "downtown" sensed a fleeting opportunity to lead once again by example and tore up the infield in giant strides. As the ball finally sailed in from the outfield, it was too late by a mile, as "downtown" had gobbled up the final sprint from third base to home not unlike a triple-crown thoroughbred crossing the finish line-- by a lead of several lengths. Wheezing and unable to catch his breath, he was mobbed by his teammates, who attempted to lift him onto their shoulders, before quickly coming to their senses and setting him gingerly down as he sucked in great gasps of air and collapsed in the dugout. Nancy "knock em out of the park" Harris--still recovering from her injury at third base had four hits as did Chantal "rum runner" Bujold who gamely agreed to fill in for Kathy "dare devil" Adare, despite her worsening herniated disc. Attempting the unthinkable--to rally from down nine runs in the ninth-- Patti "gazoo" Anderson did her job and drilled a solid single up the middle to move Bill "twinkle-toes" Ranson to second and bring "scoresheet" to the plate. Rowena "get the job done" Sams took a quick look at "downtown" in the on-deck circle and immediately knew what she had to do. Delivering yet another trade-mark clutch hit, she loaded the bases as "downtown" strode to the plate, dug himself firmly in to the dirt and calmly advised "the wrangler" to "throw it in like a beach ball". Showing patience well beyond his years, "downtown" backed off the first pitch as it sailed a good four feet outside. His soothing voice crooned " don't worry about me, just throw it over the plate", as "the wrangler" took heed and threw arguably his best pitch of the night. Not able to get it up in the air, "downtown" drilled it in the gap all the way to the fence. Without hesitating, he began chasing "scoresheet" with never even a fleeting thought of letting up. As the bases cleared, "scoresheet" rounded third with "downtown" hot in pursuit--seemingly destined to cross home plate as a tandem. However, "scoresheet" had a sudden change of heart at the commit line as she jammed on the brakes and started heading back to third--much to the chagrin of "downtown" who she ran into in the process. With no option but to run home, she once again changed direction but alas too late as the ball had been retrieved and she was out by a step. Nancy "knock em out of the park" Harris drove in "downtown" from third base but that was the last run scored as the Fun Bunch went down to defeat 23-17 with their heads held high, scratching and clawing til the bitter end.
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