OTTAWA –With the softball diamonds saturated with water last week , the City of Ottawa cancelled all ball games forcing the fun bunch to postpone their season opener until this week. Despite everyone on the team (with the exception of Paris “songbird” Patricelli) eschewing the pre-season practice boot camp, the team still came out and made a statement on Thursday. In an awe inspiring display of other-worldly offense, the fun bunch scored 31 runs (and would have scored more but had to call the game at 7 innings) to annihilate the rough-and-tumble rebels. Scoring over 30 runs is a rare achievement indeed having occurred only a handful of times in the fun bunch storied history – the last time in 2017.

It was a special night for the Rebels. With the recent legalization of cannabis, they came well prepared for the game. Clearly someone made a pit-stop at the local dispensary and stocked up on all their favorite brands. Giddy with excitement, no sooner had they entered the dugout than great billowing plumes of blue smoke came wafting lazily over the diamond accompanied by the telltale acrid smell of burning ganja. This pattern would repeat itself ad nauseam throughout the duration of the game with the end result directly reflected in the final outcome.

The fun bunch had a new player making her debut tonight. Emilie Belanger – Jess “bullseye” Belanger’s younger sister—had been playing women’s fastball last season , but had asked to join the team this year. An experienced player, she took no time at all settling in as she hit three doubles in her first three at bats. Slight in stature, she was adept at leveraging her lower body to build up bat speed as she crunched the ball into the outfield impressively.

Sadly, Steve “field marshal” Saunders was forced to start the season on the injured list. Multiple high-impact hockey collisions during his 3-team playoff run capped off by a spectacular death defying fall from his veranda while installing his awning had left him racked with painful sciatica and barely able to walk. He showed up at the game for moral support and of course for his stellar pitching. However after two innings of high octane offense he had seen enough and demanded to be inserted into the lineup. Trying to hold back and wincing with pain nonetheless, he hobbled to first until Glen “the wrangler” Rankin insisted he pinch run for him. Not wanting to leave the field he opened his mouth to raise an objection but “the wrangler’s” stern countenance made him think twice and he limped off the field.

The team was in cruise control as they scored runs with reckless abandon. The Rebels were down 10-1 after 3 innings and the fun bunch were just getting started. Clark “pound em back” lawlor had a stellar evening , belting two home runs (albeit one a solo shot). Both he and his wife , Kathy “daredevil” Adare looked in midseason form despite having skipped the team practice. In fact, every player on the team had at least three hits.

With “field marshal” on the side lines “the wrangler” did his best to earn the coveted shortstop position full-time with his wild antics: diving for a ball here, scooping a hard grounder there, turning double plays and general all round stellar play

Snorting with indignation on the sidelines, “field marshal” had seen enough. Despite the insufferable pain of his pinched sciatic nerve—where every step was like getting jolted with electricity-- he hobbled to the plate in the 6th inning and took a deep breath while grimacing. He looked up and saw the bases were loaded and smiled. He walked back to the dugout. There was going to require a change of plans. He grabbed his new-last-season demarini end-loaded “new breed” bat. This bat had a single purpose – to hit the ball a long way. Mind you, it required the precision of a surgeon as the sweet spot was about the size of a dime. He felt up for the challenge.

Limping back to the plate he asked his baby brother scott “boom boom” saunders to “toss it in like a beach ball”. As the ball sailed in “field marshal” took careful note of its trajectory and punched the ball with the end of the bat directly on the dime-sized sweet spot. The ball made a hissing noise like a banshee screaming as it accelerated out of the diamond and into the adjacent dog park where it was eagerly set upon by a pack of loose pit bulls. With pain searing down his leg, field marshal knew he had overdone it as he limped back to the dugout, a self-satisfied grin on his face.

The hapless Rebels mounted a feeble counter attack in the fourth inning where they managed to score five runs and close the gap to eleven runs. That attack however was neatly snuffed out by the fun bunch who proceeded to turn the thumbscrews as they scored 5-4-7 runs in the next three innings. The rebels were deflated. They were a beaten team, but oddly enough didn’t resort to their usual tactics. In fact they remained relatively jovial despite the crushing defeat they were experiencing – no doubt mitigated by the effects of the incredible amount of cannabis they had ingested.

In the last inning (the seventh due to time constraints) the fun bunch mercilessly scored seven more runs. When the rebels couldn’t muster a single run in retaliation, the game was over and the score was 31-7 for the fun bunch.