HOW LOW CAN YOU GO
Fun Bunch humiliated by Athletics for second straight lopsided loss
OTTAWA-For only the second time this season, the Fun Bunch managed to score less than ten runs, cashing in a paltry nine runners with one of their weakest performances in franchise history. Facing their 2011 tournament championship rivals, the Fun Bunch folded up like a cheap suit while the Athletics proceeded to crush them like a little league tyke team. The statistics speak for themself- seven innings with one or less runs scored, only one home run used up, only two women scoring a run, largest loss margin (14 runs) in franchise history. Once again, the Fun Bunch started the game behind the eight ball, missing three of their regular male players as Scott "boom boom" Saunders, Martin "the gazelle", Desjardins and Richard "wild thing" Bujold all opted out of the critical game. Especially disconcerting was "wild thing's" decision to skip out on the game last minute in lieu of a "pleasure trip" to Toronto for some R&R. That left Steve "field marshal" Saunders working the phones to bring up Andy "dandy andy" Douglas to fill the vacated spot in the roster. Douglas reluctantly agreed to play, despite having injured his groin the night before and labored in the outfield and running the bases all night long. Dragged back prematurely from his vacation, John "Methuselah" Devries was not amused when he got the call from "field marshal" telling him to "show up and play" or "sit out the rest of the season". The fun bunch offense was non-existent with a parade of lazy fly balls to yawning outfielders who scarcely had to shuffle their feet to make the catch. "This game is so boring", they could be heard whispering to one another as they casually strolled off the field. Not so for the fun bunch. Their t-shirts fused to their bodies with sweat, the fun bunch were run ragged in the outfield from the Athletics' relentless hitting offensive. With Paolo "slip-n-slide" Daros nursing a bad knee and Glen "the Wrangler" Ranking unable to throw the ball without pain, "field marshal" Saunders decided he had seen enough. Shifting "slip-n-slide" to short stop and "the wrangler" to second--to reduce strain on their badly injured bodies--"field marshall" took to the outfield in a rare stint as left fielder. The move paid off in spades as "field marshal" snagged the first two deep balls that came his way to end the inning and keep the Athletics from scoring. Unfortunately, at that point the game was well out of reach. Compounding the defensive woes, was the lack of a reliable back-up pitcher when Saunders came to bat. Deciding he had seen enough, "hans solo" Devries snatched the ball and ran to the mound in the seventh inning when Saunders came to the plate for the fourth time. "Let me show you young whippersnappers how we pitched back in my day", Devries gruffly asserted as he hiked his trousers. Standing dangerously close to home plate, "downtown" urged Devries to retreat to the pitcher's mound to avoid a very nasty fate. "Don't you tell me how to pitch sonny-boy" Devries wheezed in defiance. Rolling his eyes heavenward in a "oh boy" gesture, "downtown" knew he would have to get the ball up in the air in a hurry in order to avoid separating Devries head from his shoulders. After the first pitch came in a good ten feed over his head, Saunders calmly urged Devries to take a deep breath and three steps backwards and then "toss it in like a beach ball". Despite being somewhat confused by the very simple instructions, Devries managed to follow orders and Saunders retaliated by launching the ball into the stratosphere after parting Devries hair straight down the middle to cash in three runs. "dandy andy" Douglas went three for four and demonstrated some aggressive base running to take second base all three times he got on base. Kathy "daredevil" Adare hit a deep fly ball to manage an extra base hit as she trotted into second. Glen "the wrangler" Rankin--having seen his team humiliated quite enough-- decided some payback was in order. After hitting a long single, "the wrangler" dug in, intent on reaching second. As the ball came in to second base however, "the wrangler" had already rounded the corner and was hell-bent on taking third as well. Becoming a little flustered, the Athletics' second baseman double-clutched the ball and proceeded to throw it well over the third baseman's head as "the wrangler" rounded third and moonwalked over the home base line in a carefully crafted display of defiance. "How does it feel to get a taste of your own medicine?", shouted Rankin to make sure that his point had been properly received. With the tournament coming up shortly the Fun Bunch have their work cut out for them. If they want to challenge again this year, they will have to convince their AWOL teammates to show up for the rest of the games in the regular season, work on some batting practice to better position hits, keep the ball down and avoid lazy fly outs, and work on consistency from their back-up pitcher.
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