OTTAWA –With the softball diamonds saturated with water last week , the City of Ottawa cancelled all ball games forcing the fun bunch to postpone their season opener until this week. Despite everyone on the team (with the exception of Paris “songbird” Patricelli) eschewing the pre-season practice boot camp, the team still came out and made a statement on Thursday. In an awe inspiring display of other-worldly offense, the fun bunch scored 31 runs (and would have scored more but had to call the game at 7 innings) to annihilate the rough-and-tumble rebels. Scoring over 30 runs is a rare achievement indeed having occurred only a handful of times in the fun bunch storied history – the last time in 2017.

It was a special night for the Rebels. With the recent legalization of cannabis, they came well prepared for the game. Clearly someone made a pit-stop at the local dispensary and stocked up on all their favorite brands. Giddy with excitement, no sooner had they entered the dugout than great billowing plumes of blue smoke came wafting lazily over the diamond accompanied by the telltale acrid smell of burning ganja. This pattern would repeat itself ad nauseam throughout the duration of the game with the end result directly reflected in the final outcome.

The fun bunch had a new player making her debut tonight. Emilie Belanger – Jess “bullseye” Belanger’s younger sister—had been playing women’s fastball last season , but had asked to join the team this year. An experienced player, she took no time at all settling in as she hit three doubles in her first three at bats. Slight in stature, she was adept at leveraging her lower body to build up bat speed as she crunched the ball into the outfield impressively.

Sadly, Steve “field marshal” Saunders was forced to start the season on the injured list. Multiple high-impact hockey collisions during his 3-team playoff run capped off by a spectacular death defying fall from his veranda while installing his awning had left him racked with painful sciatica and barely able to walk. He showed up at the game for moral support and of course for his stellar pitching. However after two innings of high octane offense he had seen enough and demanded to be inserted into the lineup. Trying to hold back and wincing with pain nonetheless, he hobbled to first until Glen “the wrangler” Rankin insisted he pinch run for him. Not wanting to leave the field he opened his mouth to raise an objection but “the wrangler’s” stern countenance made him think twice and he limped off the field.

The team was in cruise control as they scored runs with reckless abandon. The Rebels were down 10-1 after 3 innings and the fun bunch were just getting started. Clark “pound em back” lawlor had a stellar evening , belting two home runs (albeit one a solo shot). Both he and his wife , Kathy “daredevil” Adare looked in midseason form despite having skipped the team practice. In fact, every player on the team had at least three hits.

With “field marshal” on the side lines “the wrangler” did his best to earn the coveted shortstop position full-time with his wild antics: diving for a ball here, scooping a hard grounder there, turning double plays and general all round stellar play

Snorting with indignation on the sidelines, “field marshal” had seen enough. Despite the insufferable pain of his pinched sciatic nerve—where every step was like getting jolted with electricity-- he hobbled to the plate in the 6th inning and took a deep breath while grimacing. He looked up and saw the bases were loaded and smiled. He walked back to the dugout. There was going to require a change of plans. He grabbed his new-last-season demarini end-loaded “new breed” bat. This bat had a single purpose – to hit the ball a long way. Mind you, it required the precision of a surgeon as the sweet spot was about the size of a dime. He felt up for the challenge.

Limping back to the plate he asked his baby brother scott “boom boom” saunders to “toss it in like a beach ball”. As the ball sailed in “field marshal” took careful note of its trajectory and punched the ball with the end of the bat directly on the dime-sized sweet spot. The ball made a hissing noise like a banshee screaming as it accelerated out of the diamond and into the adjacent dog park where it was eagerly set upon by a pack of loose pit bulls. With pain searing down his leg, field marshal knew he had overdone it as he limped back to the dugout, a self-satisfied grin on his face.

The hapless Rebels mounted a feeble counter attack in the fourth inning where they managed to score five runs and close the gap to eleven runs. That attack however was neatly snuffed out by the fun bunch who proceeded to turn the thumbscrews as they scored 5-4-7 runs in the next three innings. The rebels were deflated. They were a beaten team, but oddly enough didn’t resort to their usual tactics. In fact they remained relatively jovial despite the crushing defeat they were experiencing – no doubt mitigated by the effects of the incredible amount of cannabis they had ingested.

In the last inning (the seventh due to time constraints) the fun bunch mercilessly scored seven more runs. When the rebels couldn’t muster a single run in retaliation, the game was over and the score was 31-7 for the fun bunch.

OTTAWA-Facing their season’s toughest challenge, the fun bunch would once again be without their hall-of-fame shortstop steve “field marshal” saunders—still hobbled with back pain. They were playing the Athletics tonight. A team that brought new meaning to the term “win at any cost”. Good-natured and jovial—when they were winning—they turned into nasty, snarling, pit-bulls when the chips were down. With “field marshal” still unable to hit, field or run they would only have his stellar pitching and astute coaching to help them in this battle-in-the-making.

Causing further consternation was the season debut of Richard “wild thing” Bujold. Always entertaining and sometimes proficient, he would do his best to fill the large hole left by “field marshal’s” absence. Also coming to the team’s aid would be mark “polygon” pintar who agreed to play when glen “the wrangler” rankin and clark “pound em back” lawlor couldn’t make it as well.

But the biggest spotlight would be on ryan “man-o-war” matishuck. Given the green light, he would be attempting to fill the shoes of the 33-year veteran all-star “field marshal” at shortstop. A tall order indeed.

After three innings things were going reasonably well. The score was 12-6 for the funbunch. Meghan “marathon” Saunders had shocked the athletics when she beat out an infield grounder with her blazing speed to be called safe by “polygon” as she sprinted through first base, her feet barely touching the ground. Leah “the round runner” Morrell made a stunning play when she knocked down a hard grounder at third then proceeded to pick up the ball and gun down the runner who was charging to first. “wild thing” naturally was keeping things interesting at second base. Easily distracted, he was having trouble focussing on the game as he chatted, joked and guffawed with every baserunner and infielder within earshot. Adding to the merriment, he somehow managed to kick , drop or juggle just about every ground ball that came his way—seemingly to the tune of his trade mark circus music.

Just as things were sailing along, the fun bunch inexplicably took a nosedive. Offense evaporated. Defense disappeared. Three straight zero run innings by the fun bunch while the Athletics proceeded to score nine runs and all of a sudden the fun bunch were down 15-12. All of a sudden we had a ball game. With the sun in her eyes at first Kathie “daredevil” Adare struggle to reel in wayward throws. The pressure was getting to the fun bunch infielders as they failed to make a single double play and were having trouble with their accuracy. Adding to their woes the Athletics were putting on a batting clinic with surgical placement of their hits to inflict maximum damage

As the game had started late, the fun bunch had only two innings remaining to set things right. As if on queue, they scored five runs in the next inning including a massive blast to the base of the outfield fence by “bullseye” and a leadoff double and badly needed run scored by “wild thing”. The defense dug deep to limit the Athletics to only 2 runs in the bottom of the inning highlighted by a great shoestring catch by “sweetspot” in the outfield to end the inning. The game was now tied 17-17 going into the final and “endless” inning.

The eighth inning couldn’t have started any better with “marathon”, “wild thing” and “bullseye” all getting on board. The Next batter “sweetspot” drove in “marathon” and “wild thing” and advanced “bullseye” to second. This had all the makings of a monster inning. The Athletics, feeling the pressure, were getting surly and drilling the ball back to pitcher “field marshall” who was none too impressed.

Then the unimaginable happened. Emiliy “big time” Belanger popped up for the first out. Scott “boom boom” saunders, with a chance to drive in two more runs with a homer, popped up a fly ball to mid field. Like a slow motion horror show, “field marshal” watched as “bullseye” took off from second with the ball sure to be caught. Running as if a trance, she didn’t respond to “field marshal’s” shrieking until she rounded third. Coming out of her stupor, she finally heard “field marshal” screaming at her to get back to second. But it was too late. The Athletics had caught the lazy fly and had picked her off. The nascent rally was quashed at a measly two runs.

Up 19-17 with the Athletics coming to bat, the fun bunch would need a stellar inning of defense to maintain their fingernail’s grasp of this win. Sadly, that would not be the case as the first two Athletic batters easily got on board and then their show-boating, two-gloved shortstop came to bat and launched a home run over the right field fence to win the game 20-19. The winning street was reset back to zero.

OTTAWA-Steve “field marshal” Saunders simmering anger was slowing but surely turning into a full blown rage. He had heard “through the grapevine” about talk of insurrection bordering on mutiny spearheaded by none other than Richard “wild thing” Bujold. It seemed “wild thing” was still smarting from his well deserved chastisement over his antics in last weeks game. No stranger to these common rebukes he had decided in his own misguided way to take matters into his own hands and “set things right” once and for all.

His plan was to ambush his teammates at the next Ottawa red blacks game unsuspectingly at their local pre-game restaurant Faleenas. He giggled with excitement as he sat himself down with his soon-to-be allies and began his verbal assault on the team’s decorated captain and leader extraordinaire. “What is it with this guy – yelling at the rookies when they make mistakes and hurting their feelings”, he commenced. “And how about him singling me out when I have the odd error because I’m not paying attention. I thought the team was called the “fun” bunch. Heck we should change the name to the “un-fun” bunch” for gawds sakes. We need a change of leadership – who’s with me!” he bellowed as he continued his blistering attack.

He took a deep breath, quite pleased with himself for his fine performance, then settled himself comfortably and swivelled his head about to survey his audience and gauge their reaction.

You could hear a pin drop. Not only his team, but everyone in the restaurant had stopped eating and dropped their utensils. Everyone sat in collective disbelief as this man, this charlatan, this pretender had dared to asail their revered and defenseless leader. The man who had single-handedly led the team to a record five straight league finals. The man who had rejuvenated the team with a bevy of talented young prospects. The man who established his now legendary “boot camp” for rookies. The man who now ravaged by pain, unable to sit or stand comfortably , still came to all the games fully regaled in uniform, to provide his stellar pitching, coaching and mentoring skills to his beloved fun bunch – a team he had played for in 34 of their 36 year existence including an unprecedented 34 year iron-man all star streak.

All of a sudden “wild thing” began to feel uncomfortable and started to squirm like a coach roach approaching its impending and ungainly demise. He wasn’t feeling nearly so pleased with himself now and began to doubt his poor judgement. His teammates savaged him verbally while the rest of Faleena’s patrons encircled the now failed insurgent. His coup had backfired miserably. “wild thing” licked his dry and cracked lips nervously while tears welled up in his eyes. His body began to tremble violently. He felt damp warmth as his bladder voided. He began to cry.

The fun bunch spectator gallery had been growing every week. Paris “songbird” Patricelli’s mother Marta was a regular. Even Meghan “marathon” Saunders and “songbird’s” aunt—and “field marshal’s wife-- Teresa had been coming to the games to cheer on her nieces and quaff a pint or two at whispers. Leah “roadrunner” Morrell’s fiancée Nigel was also here tonight as he was on occasion. But there was a newcomer in the group. Anne “Annabelle” Burton – a neighbor of “field marshal’s” who had been hearing about the fun bunch for years now. “field marshal” sent her a copy of the latest game report and she was hooked. Doubled over in laughter, she asked to be added to the distribution list and notified of any upcoming games so she could attend—no doubt the allure of whispers adding to the incentive. “I laughed so hard my sides hurt”, she giggled as she told field marshal of her reaction to the game report. “Absolutely, I’d be glad to add you to the list. You know in all the years that I’ve written the game reports, the only person who told me they didn’t like them was my wife! So I took her off the list. Other than that, I have got nothing but positive feedback”, “field marshal” explained matter-of-factly. “Are you serious!?”, “Annabelle” inquired incredulously. “I know, I know, I don’t get it either – but I guess some people have no sense of humour”, “field marshal” replied while shrugging his shoulders.

The fun bunch were playing “got the runs” tonight. Yet when their team started filing into the dug out Leah “roadrunner” morrel did a double take. “Are we playing the athletics tonight” , she inquired quizzically. Upon closer inspection, sure enough, player after player from the Athletics were making a bee line for the “got the runs” dugout. When asked about the odd lineup, their captain hissed, “we were short players” in response.

The fun bunch had Jack “jack hammer” Lawlor coming out to shore up the team as well as neophyte Keegan “ silver-tongue“ Irwin,--"song bird’s” boy friend--as the team was missing clark “pound ‘em back” lawlor, Glen “the wrangler” Rankig and of course still injured steve “field marshal” saunders.

Meanwhile, “field marshal” was patiently awaiting the arrival of “wild thing” in order to settle the score over his failed coup attempt. Did they still allow drawing-and-quartering he mused – giggling at the prospect. Probably not came his own sombre reply after several minutes of thoughtful rumination. What about evisceration? Hanging in chains? Or the gibbet? Those seemed like reasonable compromises and well suited to the crime—his mood lightened one more time. But once again, he dashed his own hopes after he failed to recall the last time someone was placed in a gibbet in Ottawa. Oh well, I guess he would just have to stick to an ol’ fashioned verbal diatribe. A small grin appeared on his face and then widened at the thought. However, his hopes were dashed when he received a cryptic text from “wild thing”, two minutes before game time. “can’t play, sorry”, leaving “field marshal”--not for the first time—angry and exasperated.

The fun bunch started the game with a tidy five run first inning. Got the runs had a miserable inning scoring a paltry one run. Their unruly shortstop (what is it with unruly shortstops in this league?) popped out meekly and smashed his bat in the ground to express his displeasure spurring the fun bunch fans to nickname him “feisty” on the spot.

As the game wore on “feisty” demonstrated more ineptitude at the plate and further displays of anger and frustration. Similarly, he was a one-man error-fest at short stop as he bobbled, kicked and misplayed one ball after the next – making “wild thing” look like a gold glover in comparison.

As the game wore on the fun bunch displayed stellar defense shutting them out completely for three innings. “pound em back” made a fantastic catch at the fence, jumping right into the support post to make the play , but holding on none the less. This helped make up for his bone headed base running error when he was picked off first as well as his selfish “solo” home run – his second in as many games.

“silver-tongue” was making quite a debut himself as he hit with precision and ran with reckless abandon in right field to catch every ball that came within a country mile of him—as “field marshal” quietly took note. “jack hammer” was doing an admirable job at short as well. While filling “field marshal’s “ hall of fame shoes was no easy feat , he was doing his darndest making some nice throws to his mommy at first in the process.

The offensive highlight of the night occurred in the third inning. With the bases loaded , the youngest of the “bash brothers” scott “boom boom” saunders strode to the plate. With a grand slam in the offing, “field marshal” wanted to make sure he “parked one” over the fence. With “boom boom” dug in at home plate, “field marshal” served up a floating beach ball—one that had a bulls-eye painted on the front. “boom boom” made no mistake as he sent it flying over the center field fence to empty the bases.

Sure there were some hiccups along the way—this was a team now that was in the process of “turning over” so there would understandably be some growing pains. “songbird” got picked off as she skittered around first base trying to stretch a single into a double. Both Emilie “big time” belanger and “songbird” once again, got flummoxed during a force play at second, when they tried to tag the runner instead of tossing to second. Heck even “jackhammer” had a couple of wayward throws to “daredevil” at first—but nothing that was going to slow down this juggernaut as the fun bunch were running away with the game. Leading 21-10 heading into the ninth inning the fun bunch offense shut them down once again to start their winning streak anew

OTTAWA- Ryan “man-o-war” Matishuk was mad as a hatter. He had stopped reading the revered “game reports”. “too long and too much field marshal”, he complained to his fellow teammate leah “the roadrunner” morrell. “That’s weird, I don’t see that problem at all. In fact I can’t get enough of those things. They are hilarious and I think they do a bang up job of summarizing the game”, she retorted – none to impressed with his “synopsis”. Failing to garner any additional support for his concerns, he decided he would take charge and do something dramatic this game.

The team had been playing woefully of late. They had lost two of their last three games against teams they normally beat. Hitting had not been consistent. Too many scoreless innings with soft grounders or lazy fly balls. Defence was a mixed bag too. With “field marshal” unable to play , there were a carousel of new players in the infield all trying to adapt to new positions.

Tonight they were playing “stop hitting on us”. Generally a good natured team but with a couple of over-the-top, far too intense players that sometimes spoiled the fun.

Determined to right the SS fun bunch, “man-o-war” kicked started the offense with a single and a run scored in the first. In fact the fun bunch scored five runs on hits by kathie “daredevil” adare, Jess “bullseye” belanger, Clark “pound em back” lawlor, paris “songbird” Patricelli, glen “the wrangler” rankin and scott “boom boom” saunders as well. Stop hitting on us however, quickly answered back with five runs of their own.

But the plucky fun bunch doubled down with hits by alison “bulldozer” hale, “boom boom”, “the wrangler”, “daredevil” and “songbird”. Not to be outdone “man-o-war” , strode to the plate and launched a towering blast over the right field fence for a home run to cap another five run inning. Once again the fun bunch took the lead 10-5. This had the makings of a high scoring affair.

In the bottom of the inning, the fun bunch held stop hitting on us to zero runs and maintained their comfortable five run lead. Also of note, was the growing reputation of meghan “marathon” saunders. Known as a speedster for her blazing pace running to first, she had caused stop hitting on us to sit up and take notice. “watch out for this one she’s REALLY fast” , came the warning from the dugout to the fielders whenever she settled into the batting box.

The third inning saw teams trade two runs too make the score 12-7 and to keep the five run fun bunch lead. Then the fun bunch bats fell silent. The team scored a paltry four runs over the next three innings. Lack of clutch hitting was taking its toll – too many lazy pop ups and soft grounders. In fact the fifth inning was down right dreadful with a quick three up three down exchange highlighted by a ball drilled back up the middle hitting scott “boom boom” saunders in the arm on the pitching mound for the final out.

Once again, determined to make a difference, “man-o-war” launched a two run shot in the sixth inning – his second of the night. But it was not enough to stem the stop hitting on us juggernaut, as they pounced on the hapless fun bunch mercilessly. Smelling weakness they barraged their opponents with a staggering thirteen runs to the fun bunch four. They now had a three run lead 17-14. Not insurmountable but they certainly had momentum on their side.

During this time, the fun bunch were juggling in fielders to try and find players who felt comfortable with new positions. “songbird” started at second base, but was having some difficulty adjusting to the challenging spot. She tried her old haunt third base but clearly had not got over getting drilled by a line drive last year as she ducked out of the way when balls came her way. She eventually settled in at rover.

At that point, Jess “bullseye” belanger tried third base and quickly put on a tour-de-force as she easily handled hard grounders and made a couple of perfect throws to gun down base runners – not an easy feat all the way from third base.

There was a controversial play at second base that kept the momentum going too. In what would have been the third out of the inning, a stop hitting on us base runner slid into second to be tagged by “the wrangler”. They could have been called out either because of the slide or because of the tag, but the umpire inexplicably called them “safe” and the inning continued only to be capped by a home run and five runs scoring. “the wrangler” was incensed and got into a brief shouting match with the baserunner to let him know what he thought.

With two innings to go and trailing by four runs, the fun bunch would need to quickly shift the momentum in their favour. In the seventh inning, the fun bunch had only three hits--a solo home run by “the wrangler” , a double by “man-o-war” and a triple by “the roadrunner”. Sadly both base runners were left stranded as their teammates failed to drive them in.

Entering the bottom of the eighth and final inning—due to time constraints—the fun bunch were now trailing 23-17. Needing six runs to tie they faltered miserably going four-up-three-down on a lonely double by “pound em back”. The team had now reached new depths of futility losing their third game in their last four. This was a team that lost two games all of last season and made it to the league championship final. Something would have to change and quickly as the season was slowly slipping away.

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OTTAWA – They say revenge is a dish best served cold. Yet it was a sweltering hot day Wednesday when the fun bunch faced their arch-rivals the athletics at Hampton park diamond in a replay of last year’s tournament final. As usual, the Athletics had bolstered their lineup with a few new high-calibre players for the re-match, intent on winning. However, wily hall-of-fame coach and general manager steve “field marshal” saunders had a few tricks up his own sleeve.

Unbeknownst to the Athletics, he had lured john “methuselah” devries out of retirement. He told “methuselah” that the athletics had a player who was in fact seventy years old , breaking his longstanding record of oldest player in the league. “tarnation!”, “methuselah” wheezed when he heard the news. “what do you mean someone in the league is older than me! Doesn’t he know who I am?”, he continued growing more agitated. “I’ll make that old geezer sorry he ever left the senior league!”, he wailed after agreeing to play.

In addition “field marshal” had recruited keegan “silver tongue” Irwin to play as well to help fill the gap left by players attending leah “the roadrunner” morrell’s wedding this week in Calgary. “field marshal” had done his best to convince “the roadrunner” to have the wedding at the ball diamond after the game, and the reception at whispers so as to not disrupt the schedule, but “the roadrunner” was adamant. Not even the generous offer of free nachos, kettle chips and half price wings for all the guests from the owner could convince her otherwise.

The game started off rather ominously with the athletics scoring an easy five runs in the top of the first inning. The fun bunch meanwhile were held scoreless, despite a couple of hits.

“field marshal” quickly made a couple of adjustments. He moved Richard “wild thing” into the outfield and moved emilie “big time” belanger” to second base. That left four guys in the outfield and three women along with “field marshall” –who was still hobbled by his herniated disc—in the infield. The move paid off in spades immediately as the fun bunch scored five runs in the next inning – capped off by a home run by scott “boom boom” saunders and (yet another) solo home run by clark “pound ‘em back” lawlor—and shut out the athletics defensively to tie the score 5-5.

However, the athletics regrouped and scored five more runs in the third inning to reclaim the lead. The fun bunch continued to chip away at the lead, and the score was 12-9 for the athletics heading into the fifth inning.

Meanwhile the two recruits “methuselah” and “silver tongue” were both having stellar games. “methuselah” was three for three and winning the “battle of the old timers” , while “silver tongue” was playing stellar defense charging all balls and making a couple of great assists at second.

Another player turning heads was paris “songbird” Patricelli, who had got her first double of the season and would finish the game four-for-four, her best game so far.

With the funbunch behind three runs, and the game slipping out of reach, “field marshal” decided he was going to give it a shot and take a full swing at the ball and see how his back would hold up. With a couple of runners on, he dug himself into the batters box . Wasting no time, he swung at the first pitch that resembled a beach ball and jacked it out of the park. A little twinge of pain followed, but it was well worth it. The fun bunch went on to score five runs and take the lead 14-12.

The fun bunch had a dreadful sixth inning—unable to score a run on only one hit . They entered the seventh inning tied 14-14. This would be the turning point of the game.

Hits by “big time” , “songbird” and “field marshal” along with some aggressive base running all came in to score. The Athletics were getting a bit frazzled. With “boom boom” at second and Richard “wild thing” Bujold at third , a single by “silver tongue” drove in “wild thing”. The outfielder picked up the ball, and “boom boom” rounded third hard and feigned running home. The outfielder was fooled and threw the ball off line towards home plate where it rattled around in the backstop. By the time the catcher picked it up , “boom boom” was doing the stutter-step and yelling at “silver tongue” to take second. The catcher at this point was completely flustered and threw the ball away at second while “boom boom” ran home for the fifth run of the inning as “silver tongue” scooted easily into second. The Athletics world was unravelling.

Hot, embarrassed, tired and dirty, the athletics were in over their heads and they knew it. They failed to score a run in the last two innings of the game which ended on a sharp “sister-act” play when jess “bullseye” belanger snagged a hard grounder at third and threw it to her sister “big time” at second for a force out.

The fun bunch had beat their nemesis and won their third game in a row!

OTTAWA-Clark “pound ‘em back” Lawlor desperately wanted to skip the game tonight. He had explained to Steve “field marshal” Saunders, that his favorite hipster band was playing at the rainbow bistro, and he had made plans to attend. He had his outfit all prepared: starched red pants, jaunty straw fedora, and paisley vest -- he would blend into the hipster crowd seamlessly. Unfortunately that message was lost on Glen “the wrangler” Rankin, Scott “boom boom” Saunders and Richard “wild thing” Bujold, all of whom decided to kick-back and take a “me-day” leaving their teammate “pound ‘em back” on the hook to fill the void.

“I’m sorry “pound ‘em back” but you were the last to tell me about your plans so your going to have to play. I’m already one short even with you in the line up.”, “field marshal” informed him. Disappointed but supportive, he folded his hipster outfit and placed it back in his drawer, as he donned his snappy fun bunch jersey instead. Determined to make the best of the situation he put on his favorite band’s CD and sang their tunes on the way to the diamond.

The fun bunch were playing their nemesis “the aquabats”. The team that famously shamed their own teammates for years by yelling “M-O-R-O-N” in unison whenever one of them made an error. Sort of a team morale booster gone horribly wrong. Lacking pure power, they were adept at slapping hits with precision. They would be fine tuning their offense for the upcoming tournament and could not to be taken lightly.

With their four game winning streak on the line, the game started as badly as it possibly could when the funbunch scored zero runs in the first inning and the aquabats put on an offensive display and scored the inning maximum five. Not helping the situation was a defensive alignment in need of tweaking. Usually sure-handed Ryan “man ‘o’ war” Matischuk called for and dropped a couple of tough bloopers playing rover while neophyte nick “top cuts” Snedden struggled a bit with his positioning playing centre field for the first time in his career.

After the dreadful inning, “field marshal” convened a quick meeting with his outfield and they decided to move “top cuts” to rover and “man o’ war” back to centre field to see if that helped.

The next inning was a little more promising when the fun bunch finally got on the score board with two runs by meghan “marathon” saunders and “top cuts”. The defensive move paid off as well as the fun bunch kept the aquabats to a single run to narrow the gap slightly 6-2.

The pattern repeated in the next inning: two more runs by the fun bunch (“field marshal” and “marathon”), while the aquabats got only one. Score now 7-4 and the gap narrowed to three runs. Still the breakout inning had eluded them. The had opportunities but couldn’t quite deliver the knock out punch, with too many shallow pop outs and weak grounders to short.

Finally in the fourth inning, the fun bunch fortunes began to turn. With hits by Alison “bulldozer” Hale and Meghan “marathon” Saunders, “pound ‘em back” came to the plate. Still smarting from missing his hipster outing, he dug himself into the batters box determined to express his indignation. Continuing his annoying habit, he stood with the bat glued to his shoulder when the first pitch (an absolute beauty) sailed over the plate belt high. “I don’t swing at first pitches”, he turned and giggled to the opposing team’s catcher. “whatever”, she replied rolling her eyes.

Like an automaton, “field marshal” delivered the second pitch perfect as well. But this time—the stars must have been aligned—“pound ‘em back” decided to have a go at it. Tightly gripping the orange-and-black demarini 28 ounce “new breed” end-loaded bat, he uncoiled and hit the ball square. It sailed over the left field fence for a three run shot briefly tying the game.

With the home run ball now out of play, the aquabats tossed a replacement to “man o’ war” who had taken over for “field marshal” on the pitching mound as he was next batter. Wasting no time, “field marshal” swung at the first pitch and crushed it dead on the sweet spot. He could tell immediately—from his 35 years of experience—that the ball was gone. With a tribute to Jose Bautista, he watched it briefly, then tossed the bat and walked into the dugout. But something was awry. Defying the laws of Newtonian physics this ball suddenly stopped and started descending. Slowly at first but quickly picking up speed. The Aquabat right fielder was nervously pressed against the outfield fence, trying desperately to track the accelerating projectile against the pitch black night sky. The ball hit the top of the fence and bounced onto the playing field. “field marshal” had meanwhile sat down in the dugout and was adjusting his cleats when his teammates began to assail him. “get out there , the ball’s in play” , shrieked leah “the roadrunner” morrell when she saw what had transpired. “field marshal” sprang into action and managed to dig out a double, despite his late start and the flaring pain in his sciatic nerve.

He was left scratching his head as to how the ball stayed in the yard however. He knew he hit that ball hard enough to go over the fence. He could tell the moment he made contact. There was no wind to speak of so why didn’t the ball clear the fence? The mystery was solved with the next batter when the aquabats, chuckling, tossed a new ball out to the mound. “Sorry that ball shouldn’t have been used. Its an old water-logged punky ball that got mixed in with our league balls”, their captain admitted. “whoops sorry about that”, he finished grinning at “field marshal” standing at second base, robbing the fun bunch of a critical run.

With more hits from “man o’ war”, “the roadrunner” and kathie “daredevil” adare, “field marshal” scored and the fun bunch now were in the lead 8-7. The bottom of the inning saw the aquabats score one more run to once again tie the game at 8 all in the see-saw battle of tournament A division leviathans.

Not to be outdone, “pound ‘em back” hit yet another home run—a two run shot—in the fifth inning. His first multi-homer game of the season. With the misfortune of missing his club night long behind him, he was doing his best the lead the team on to victory. More hits by “daredevil”, “field marshal”, “man o’ war” and adrian “the jackal” seaman and the fun bunch had taken their first lead of the game 12-8. The aquabats kept chipping away however and scored two more of their own in the bottom half of the inning to keep the game close 12-10.

The next two innings saw the lead slip like a bar of soap from the fun bunch’s sudsy grasp as their offense evaporated in the cool night air. Zero runs for the fun bunch and three runs for the aquabats some them re-take the lead heading into the last inning 13-12.

Down one run, their four game winning streak on the line, the fun bunch dug deep. “man o’ war” got things rolling with a triple. He was driven in by “the roadrunner” on a controversial play at second. Hesitating after rounding first, she attempted a delayed steal of second only to be tagged and called out by “the jackal”. Fuming, she protested , loudly and vehemently. “Interference at first please!”, she shouted to everyone on the field. Eyes zeroed in on the aquabats first baseman immediately. “Well did you interfere with her?”, asked “field marshal” from the pitching mound. “yes I did”, came his muted response, awarding “the roadrunner” second base and keeping the inning alive.

More hits by “top cuts”, “the jackal” and “marathon” scored a total of three runs including “marathon’s” remarkable fifth run of the game. The fun bunch now held a slim lead 15-13. With the game on the line, “field marshal” issued the teams marching orders sternly: “ do whatever it takes but make sure they don’t score a run”. With the message crystal clear, the team followed orders like an elite military unit. “the jackal” caught the first hit on a deep fly ball to right field. “pound ‘em back” caught the next fly ball into left field. With a chance to end the game, the next batter hit a shallow pop fly to “top cuts” playing rover behind second base. Channeling his inner “wild thing” he squeezed the ball just a bit to soon and the ball squirted free allowing the runner to make it to first.

With the tying runner now at the plate, “field marshal” had a nauseous feeling in his stomach. They were oh-so-close to winning the game. He was doubtful they would get another such opportunity. But the next batter hit a shallow fly just past first base. Sure-handed “daredevil” snatched the ball from the air for the final out. The fun bunch had won again – their fifth win in a row.