OTTAWA - Being the manager of the fun bunch is anything but “fun”. Every week is an adventure that commences with a simple inquiry – who’s playing this week? Of course there are the stalwarts that answer immediately and are the first ones at the diamond: leah “roadrunner” morrel, mark “polygon” pintar, jess “bullseye” belanger. Then there are the players who answer relatively quickly, and to their credit eventually make it to the diamond: rowena “scoresheet” sams and alison “bulldozer” hale. Clark “pound-em-back” lawlor and kathie “daredevil” adare, respond relatively quickly but their attendance record is not exemplary. Then the real fun starts. Glen “the wrangler” rankin and john "methuselah” devries usually reply with mild prompting, and will most times make it to the field just as the game starts or just slight thereafter. But leading the way in difficulty--by a country mile—is the latcon contingent. Scott “twist-in-the-wind” Saunders and Richard “wild thing” Bujold require incessant badgering to extract a response--kind of like pulling teeth only less fun. “I’ll try”, “I’m going to be last minute if I make it”, “not sure yet, ask me again tomorrow”, goes the litany of non-committal responses leaving steve “field marshal” saunders wringing his hands In frustration unsure if he should get replacement players or not. It is a weekly ritual that repeats with clock-work precision.

Alas, this week was more of the same. With the patience of a saint, “field marshal”, inquired, followed up, badgered and then decoded the replies. With “scoresheet” on holidays, “field marshal” asked “bullseye” if she could bring a friend out. No reply. “Twist-in-the-wind” and “wild-thing” “didn’t know” if they could play. “Maybe”, “going to be last minute” was their less than helpful joint reply. “daredevil” and Clark “lightweight” Lawlor both bailed out—“going to bluesfest”, team commitment clearly a low priority. With john “hans solo” devries on vacation, it was going to be a threadbare turnout—yet again.

With no “reply” from “bullseye”, “field marshal” assumed she would not be bringing a friend out so was a bit surprised to see scott “boom boom” saunders bring his daughter meghan to the game—presumably to watch as punishment of some sort. But no, he was informed. Meghan was taking “bullseye’s” place, this despite the fact she had never played a game of baseball in her life, and no one had informed “field marshal” of that decision. He rolled his eyes upon getting the update. “I’m too old for this”, he thought to himself in a moment of self-pity as he quickly explained the game of baseball to Meghan—the sixty second condensed version.

No sooner was he done, when “bullseye” sauntered into the diamond. “Why aren’t you at bluesfest?”, “field marshal” asked, now totally confused. “I never said I was going to blues fest”, she replied calmly. “But Meghan said she was taking your place because you were at Bluesfest”, “field marshal” continued, desperate to unravel the mystery. “I told Meghan to come out because my other baseball friends couldn’t make it. She is the friend you asked me to bring out”, she explained. “field marshal” guffawed at the absurdity of the situation. Like something out of a keystones cops movie or the “who’s on first” three stooges skit. Self-pity once again descended upon him

With richard “wild thing” Bujold nowhere in site, they were forced to commence the game with only eight players including an eighteen year old neophyte who had never played baseball before in her life (and who like her father showed up in tennis shoes).

Facing a new team to the league “pitch please”, “field marshal” wasn’t sure what to expect. Half an inning later, mercied with five runs scored and no outs he had a pretty good idea. The team consisted entirely of twenty-something year old athletes. Everyone hit well. There were no ground balls. With only three fielders and no rovers, they had a field day with the porous defense. This was shaping up to be a long game.

The ”roadrunner” led off with a pop-up to go one down very quickly. But consecutive hits by “bullseye” and “polygon” set the table for steve “downtown” saunders. He strode to the plate--game plan in mind. Time to right this sinking ship and send a blunt message to “pitch please”. The fun bunch weren’t about to roll over and let them steamroller them. No sir, not on his watch.

With his little brother “boom boom” pitching, “downtown” took a deep breath and in a soothing voice calmly asked him to “toss it in like a beachball”. Complying on the first pitch, “downtown” parked the ball neatly over the outfield fence to chalk up three runs. Hits by Meghan “the machine” Saunders (in her first ever softball at bat) , “bulldozer” , “the wrangler” and “boom boom” brought the inning total to five, to tie the game.

Lifting spirits somewhat was the arrival of richard “wild thing” Bujold to start the second inning. He had brought along his dog “max” a chihuahua sized mini-doberman in tow. “Aw how cute”, the women fawned over the miniscule canine. Clearly “max” was not fond of being left on his own, for the minute “wild thing” trotted out on to the field he began yapping. A piercing, staccato, repetitive sound – like nails on a chalkboard except with a jackhammer. The sound cut through the din of the 417 rush-hour traffic like a sharp scalpel through butter. Nerves were becoming frayed as the sound was relentless. Repeated like a metronome inning after inning. The only respite was when “wild thing” came into the dugout and clutched the dog to his bosom. But like a wind-up toy he was fully recharged and ready to go as soon as “wild thing” left the dugout again. Mercilessly, the pattern played itself out over and over again. Max “motor mouth” bujold had somehow managed to turn a pleasant evening into something akin to the Chinese water torture.

The lead see-sawed back and forth. The fun bunch took the lead in the second, only to lose it again in the third. They regained it in the fourth only to fall behind 17-16 in the fifth. Compounding their challenge was the fact that they were out of home runs. With the fifth run on third base, “boom boom” belted a solo home run over the fence—the team’s last—when a single would have sufficed. That was back in the third. So now they faced the daunting task of beating this aggressive young athletic team with no home runs left in their arsenal.

But once again, like they have so many, many times before, under the careful tutelage of “field marshal” , the team responded. “The wrangler” led the guys with a perfect five-for-five night and five runs scored. But the biggest surprise was meghan “the machine” saunders who displayed exemplary hand-eye coordination and blazingly fast speed as she beat out five singles and scored four runs in her debut performance.

While the fun bunch offence was running along tickety-boo, defense was another matter entirely. It was an error-fest plain and simple. Dropped balls, misplayed grounders, missed tags, allowed “pitch perfect” to keep pace with the fun bunch , while they should have been falling behind. “field marshal” tried to tighten things up by moving players around but the team was having an off night and the changes only had marginal impact.

With the bases loaded and a soft pop-up to the infield , “field marshal” moved halfway to home plate anticipating a error. When the infielder dropped the ball he darted for home plate. Crossing the home plate line, before the ball came home he was shocked to hear “the roadrunner” call him out. A bad call that hopefully wouldn’t come back to haunt them. In the next inning—in an ironic twist-- “the roadrunner” was called out herself by “polygon” when she tried to stretch a triple into an in-the-park home run. Casting “field marshal” a playful wink, “polygon” yelled “you’re out” in a successful attempt to settle the score.

In a light-hearted moment in the sixth inning, “boom boom” got caught in a run down. In this league, a run down is a relatively straightforward affair with the advantage going to the base runner. But when you don’t have cleats, the results can be catastrophic as they were with “boom boom”. Attempting to stop and reverse direction, resulted in him sliding helplessly—as if standing on marbles--towards the ball carrier. He sat down hard on the infield and kicked up a plume of dust. Coughing the infielder lunged to apply the tag. Not quite done yet, “boom boom” attempted humorously to craw-daddy back to second base, using his buttocks as appendages. He didn’t make it very far, but you have to give him an A for effort and creativity. Now if he would only buy a pair of cleats!

The fun bunch pulled away scoring four, five and then four runs in the sixth, seventh and eighth inning, to pitch please’s three. The score now stood at 29 to 20 going into the top of the ninth. The game plan became simple: keep them from scoring nine runs.

Easier said than done, as the pitch please came out with a vengeance to score three quick runs, narrowing the gap to six runs. With runners on first and second and one out , “field marshal” playing short stop reminded “wild thing” playing third that it was a force play at any bag. The next batter hit a hard grounder directly to “field marshal”. Perfect, he thought, should be an easy double play. He carefully scooped up the ball and shuttled it over to “wild thing”. As he released the ball, he realize with horror, that “wild thing” was not on the bag. In fact he wasn’t even looking at the play. He seemed to be staring at an odd-shaped cloud in the sky. “get on third!”, “field marshal’s” shrill cry, seemed to shock him back to reality. He stepped on the bag as the ball hit him in the chin, then dropped to the ground. “pick it up and touch the base”, “field marshal” continued as if coaxing a temperamental child. In a rather ungraceful display of defense, “wild thing” managed to pick up the ball, get his foot on the bag and get one out (when there should have been two).

With runners still at first and second, the next batter hit a short blooper into left field. Unable to make the catch, “the wrangler” fielded it and threw to third in plenty of time to get the force. “wild thing” reached out, opened his glove, jabbed at the ball but closed it on nothing but air as the ball sailed past him into the back stop. Another gloriously opportunity to end the game gone by the wayside leaving the bases loaded and the potential seventh run at the plate.

The next batter hit a deep fly ball to left field that the wrangler mercifully caught for the final out. Upon leaving the diamond, “bulldozer” looked “wild thing” in the eye and said matter-of-factly: “you owe that guy a beer”.